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Correction rédaction
Message de grabuge posté le 24-07-2005 à 15:49:42 (S | E | F | I)
Hello
Je viens de terminer une rédaction et j'aimerais qu'une bonne âme en fasse la correction. J'ai essayé d'écrire directement en anglais...
- Write a description of person about 200 words. Include the following :
. Your opinion of the person
. Physical description
. Their character, habits, likes and dislikes
I selected to speak about a friend's mother.
When I saw her in the first time, she was in her late forties. It was a little woman with dark hair and beautiful green eyes. I found her very attractive. She had a sincere and straight glance and it extricated from her a great and strong personality.
After some meetings, I knew a little part of her life and that made me love her very much. She had divorced seven years ago and she educated her child alone. She had to leave school at he age of 9 and she worked in a factory as an operative. She earned few money but nobody could know that because her child was good-educated and she had always a good-looking and well dressed.
Sometimes, in the beginning of the month, she did a feast and invited all the best friends of her child.
She was very intelligent and very curious. She had some cultural sparetimes like reading, visiting museum and seeing expositions.
She didn't like driving and she'd never taken her drive-license so she took the bus or the train to go everywhere she wanted.
She loved people and had a lot of good friends.
She began to be one of my best friends however I was 17 or 18. She gave me advice but of course, at this time, her advice didn't make my mind more opened. Now, I know how right she was !
Today, she's 76, her hair are blond and her eyes are always so beautiful.
She's always a good-looking woman and her face seems to be as seren as her heart.
Merci beaucoup pour votre aide
Message de grabuge posté le 24-07-2005 à 15:49:42 (S | E | F | I)
HelloJe viens de terminer une rédaction et j'aimerais qu'une bonne âme en fasse la correction. J'ai essayé d'écrire directement en anglais...
- Write a description of person about 200 words. Include the following :
. Your opinion of the person
. Physical description
. Their character, habits, likes and dislikes
I selected to speak about a friend's mother.
When I saw her in the first time, she was in her late forties. It was a little woman with dark hair and beautiful green eyes. I found her very attractive. She had a sincere and straight glance and it extricated from her a great and strong personality.
After some meetings, I knew a little part of her life and that made me love her very much. She had divorced seven years ago and she educated her child alone. She had to leave school at he age of 9 and she worked in a factory as an operative. She earned few money but nobody could know that because her child was good-educated and she had always a good-looking and well dressed.
Sometimes, in the beginning of the month, she did a feast and invited all the best friends of her child.
She was very intelligent and very curious. She had some cultural sparetimes like reading, visiting museum and seeing expositions.
She didn't like driving and she'd never taken her drive-license so she took the bus or the train to go everywhere she wanted.
She loved people and had a lot of good friends.
She began to be one of my best friends however I was 17 or 18. She gave me advice but of course, at this time, her advice didn't make my mind more opened. Now, I know how right she was !
Today, she's 76, her hair are blond and her eyes are always so beautiful.
She's always a good-looking woman and her face seems to be as seren as her heart.
Merci beaucoup pour votre aide
Réponse: Correction rédaction de joy813, postée le 24-07-2005 à 16:54:34 (S | E)
Hello Grabuge
When I saw her in the first time ==> at the first time
It was a little woman ==> She was a little woman
Réponse: Correction rédaction de aimen7, postée le 24-07-2005 à 18:54:13 (S | E)
Hello grabuge,
Je te propose cette correction bien vite faite cependant.
When I saw her for the first time, my friend's mother was in her late forties. She was a small woman with (long/short?) hair and beautiful green eyes.
I found her very attractive. Her gaze was sincere and straight and she had a strong personality.
After meetings her a few times,I learnt a (little/more) about her life and that made me love her a lot. She brought up her child on her own after she had divorced seven years before.
She had had to leave school early and had started to work as unskilled labour in a factory. She didn't earn a lot of money but nobody could know about that because her child was well-educated and she was always good-looking and well-dressed.
Sometimes she happened to oraganize little feasts for her child and he could invite all his best friends.
She was a clever and very inquisitive person. She used to read in her sparetime, visit museums or attend exhibitions.
Driving wasn't something she liked and she had never taken her driving test. Therefore, when she wanted to go somewhere, she would catch the bus or the train.
She loved people and had many good friends. She would always give me advice but at the time I wasn't so much open-minded. Now I realise how right she was.
Today she is seventy six her hair has turned white and her eyes are still so beautiful. She's as good-looking as before and her face seems to be as untroubled/serene as her heart.
Voilà je pense que tout y est.
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Edité par aimen7 le 24-07-2005 20:20 merci igf-hardy.
-------------------
Edité par aimen7 le 24-07-2005 20:33
Réponse: Correction rédaction de jgf-hardy, postée le 24-07-2005 à 19:41:55 (S | E)
Hello Grabuge,
Voila mes propositions avec commentaires entre parentheses. Hope this helps.
When I saw her in the first time, she was in her late forties.
>> The first time I saw her, she was in her late forties.
It was a little woman with dark hair and beautiful green eyes.
>>She (C’etait une femme se traduit par she was car "elle" n’est jamais a “it”) was a petite (idee d’une femme menue et jolie) woman with dark hair and beautiful green eyes.
I found her very attractive.
She had a sincere and straight glance and it extricated from her a great and strong personality.
>>Her gaze (glance is un coup d’oeil, et non un regard) was straight and sincere, and showed (contresens sur extricate qui veut dire demeler une situation) a strong and wonderful personality.
After some meetings, I knew a little part of her life and that made me love her very much.
>>After meeting her a few times (meetings utlise comme nom commun indique business meetings), I learnt (I learnt est meilleurs que I knew: la ou le francais verbailise le resultat, l’anglais prefere le processus) a little about her life and that made me love her very much.
She had divorced seven years ago and she educated her child alone.
>>She had divorced seven year before (concordance de temps: she divorced seven years ago – par rapport a maintenant; she had divorced seven years before I met her – par rapport au preterit de narration) and raised her child alone (vocabulaire: teachers educate children whereas parents raise their children)
She had to leave school at he age of 9 and she worked in a factory as an operative.
>>She had had ( concordance de temps: le passe par rapport au preterit de narration) to leave school at the age of 9 and had worked in a factory as unskilled labour (plus generique et moins technique que an operative).
She earned few money but nobody could know that because her child was good-educated and she had always a good-looking and well dressed.
>>Although she had earned little (few + pluriel; little + singulier) money at the time, nobody could have told (to know indique une connaissance intellectuelle, to be able to tell indique une inference fondee sur une observation, donc some people might have known because their knew of her situation but people who did not know her could not have told by just looking at her) because she had made sure her child had been well educated (good schools) / well mannered (parental upbringing) and she had always been well presented and immaculately dressed.
Sometimes, in the beginning of the month, she did a feast and invited all the best friends of her child.
>>Sometimes, at the beginning of the month (in the beginning: au commencement, reference biblique), she would (habitude dans le passe) organise a little feast (idee de convivialite, plutot qu’un grand banquet) and invite all her child’s best friends (utilise le possessif).
She was very intelligent and very curious. She had some cultural sparetimes like reading, visiting museum and seeing expositions.
>>She was very intelligent and inquisitive (curious connote nosiness, pas tres positif). She was interested in cultural activities (sparetimes n’existe pas. Spare time est le temps libre, as in: in her spare time, she would read books, go to museums and attend exhibitions) such as reading, visiting museums and attending exhibitions (seeing exhibitions est un calque maladroit)
She didn't like driving and she'd never taken her drive-license so she took the bus or the train to go everywhere she wanted.
>>She did not like driving (pas de contraction en anglais ecrit) and had never taken her driving test (traduction de passer son permis, a driving licence est le permis) so she would use public transport to go everywhere she needed.
She loved people and had a lot of / many good friends.
She began to be one of my best friends however I was 17 or 18.
>>She did not become one of my best friends until I was seventeen or eighteen (pas de chiffres numeriques dans un texte narratif)
She gave me advice but of course, at this time, her advice didn't make my mind more opened.
>>Although she gave me sound advice, I was too young then to see her good sense. (eloigne toi du francais pour eviter les calques)
Now, I know how right she was !
Today, she's 76, her hair are blond and her eyes are always so beautiful.
>>Today she is seventy-six, her hair has turned white/ fair (blond: connotations pejorative de dumb blonds) and her eyes are just as beautiful (always est maladroit pour indiquer la continuite entre autrefois et maintenant).
She's always a good-looking woman and her face seems to be as seren as her heart.
>>She has remained (always maladroit voir ci-dessus) a good-looking woman and her face looks (utilise “looks” qui indique une observation visuelle: quand je la regarde, son visage est …) as serene as her heart.
Réponse: Correction rédaction de grabuge, postée le 25-07-2005 à 16:59:51 (S | E)
Merci les filles ! Vous êtes vraiment super !J'ai pris bonne note de vos corrections.
INDISPENSABLES : 