correction je pleure

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Message de rikikileclown posté le 2004-11-20 10:21:55 (S | E | F | I)
Once upon a time, a long time ago, in the land of Barcelona, there lived a king called king Leon , and a beautiful queen called "Queen Catherine".
King Leon and Queen Catherine had two lovely sons. The elder was called Prince Mirlan, and he was destined to inherit the crown when his father would die; the younger son was called Prince Derek (and was destined to herit of course).
The kingdom was in peace, peaceful and prosperous even if it was governed quite poorly. However, the king's rule were pretty decent, everything was all right and so, people were happy.
As he grew up, Mirlan (the first son) seemed very much like his father, both in body and in spirit. He was graceful and generous with people.Unfortunely, the king didn't choise him !
Derek(the second)who is rather cruel with people just wanted that everything is ok. The only thing he wanted, it's to be a soldier, a kind of knight ...
When Carlan was nineteen, his parents began to mention the subject of marriage.But he doesn't want to be married , it was confusing ! but thanks to his father, He found somebody and this person was called Alexandria. However, a terrible thing happened, his brother was very shocked and blamed him.
He asked himself why his own brother could be angry, but he didn't find any answers ...
Later, we learned that he was angry because his brother was chosen by the king to be the future king, and so, to reign on the throne.
But he didn't find any answers because his brother was away although some people thought he was in Roma. Everybody asked themselves why has he left? and his brother found a reason. He getted angry because he wanted to be on the throne.
So, he left to Roma, Roma was searching a new ambassador and just guess ... (he was).
There was not friendship enters Roma and Barcelona because they were in fight ...
When the king heard that, he was exciting and annoying to see that his son was so bad, that's why he didn't want to see his son again ! The prince of Roma loved Catherina and there was a problem because Roma caught her and she had to marry him.
They actually were in an amazing war, it wasn't all fun and games. Soldier and Knight were ready, and incredibly, the king was present because he knew how the war could be difficult and didn't want to miss his nation, that's why he was there but very masked. Such a masked, no one had found who he was really except his own son, and the bad thing in this sad history, the king died.

Finally, if you have rode this text, Catherina died because she didn't want to see this poor war and she also was sad because she didn't want to live alone, she was afraid that her boyfriend(because she's not married) stayed there and died ...

The moral : if you say " all these strange relationships, could mean "all these strange relation SHIT "

Je sais que le texte est assez long mais sa c'est moi ..
merci bcp de votre future correction si vous le voulez bien,

cordialement,
Anthony

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Edité par bridg le 20-11-2004 13:18

Réponse: re:correction je pleure de blacksabbath, postée le 2004-11-20 13:16:26 (S | E)
Once upon a time, a long time ago, in the land of Barcelona, there lived a king called king Leon , and a beautiful queen called "Queen Catherine".
King Leon and Queen Catherine had two lovely sons. The elder was called Prince Mirlan, and he was DESTINED to inherit the crown when his father would die; the younger son was called Prince Derek (and was destined to HERIT of course).
The kingdom was in peace, peaceful and prosperous even if it was governed quite poorly. However, the king's rule were pretty decent, everything was all right and so, people were happy.
As he grew up, Mirlan (the first son) seemed very much like his father, both in body and in spirit. He was graceful and generous with people.Unfortunely, the king didn't CHOISE him !
Derek(the second)who IS rather cruel with people just wanted THAT EVERYTHING IS OK. The only thing he wanted, IT'S to be a soldier, a kind of knight ...
When Carlan was nineteen, his parents began to mention 5)the subject of marriage.But he 6)doesn't want to be married , it was confusing ! but thanks to his father, He found 7)somebody 8)and this person was called Alexandria. However, a terrible thing happened, his brother was very shocked and blamed him.
He 9)asked himself why his own brother 10)could be angry, but he 11)didn't find any answers ...
Later, 12)we learned that he was angry because his brother was chosen by the king to be the future king, and so, to reign on the throne.
But he didn't find any answers because his brother was away although some people thought he was in Roma. Everybody asked themselves 13)why has he left? and his brother found a reason. He 14)getted angry because he wanted to be on the throne.
So, he left to Roma, Roma was searching a new ambassador and just guess ... (he was).
There was 15)not friendship 16)enters Roma and Barcelona because they were in fight ...
When the king heard that, he was 17)exciting and annoying to see that his son was so bad, that's why he didn't want to see his son again ! The prince of Roma loved Catherina and there was a problem because Roma caught her and she had to marry him.
They actually were in an amazing war, it wasn't all fun and games. 18)Soldier and Knight were ready, and 19)incredibly, the king was present because he knew how the war could be difficult and didn't want to 20)miss his nation, that's why he was there but 21)very masked. 22)Such a masked, no one 23)had found who 24)he was really except his 25)own son, and 26)the bad thing in this sad history, the king died.

Finally, if you have 27)rode this text, Catherina died because she didn't want to see this 28)poor war and she 29)also was sad because she didn't want to live alone, she was afraid that her boyfriend(because 3O)she's not married) stayed there and died ...

The moral : if you say " all these strange relationships, could mean "all these strange relation SHIT

to be destined : je ne suis pas certaine que cela existe.
to herit : non , c'est to inherit. ta phrase est confuse.
to choise : non , la base verbale c'est choose.
derek who is: non garde le même temps, prétérit donc derek who was.
just wanted everything ok: just wanted everything to go on right.
the only thing he wanted, it's: non garde le prétérit : the only thing he wanted was to become a soldier.
5) his parents began to talk about marrying him.
6) garde le prétérit : he didn't want to get married.
7) he found a lady, c'est moins impersonnel que somebody
8) he found a lady called alexandria. cela allège ta structure.
9) he wondered why..
10) his brother was so angry.
11) but he couldn't find any answers.
12) ce paragraph est trés confu :qui est we? le lecteur? pourquoi intervient-il dans ce récit? je pense que tu devrais le remanier.
13) Why has he left : non il ne faut pas changer la place de l'auxiliaire et du sujet parce -que ta question n'est pas posée au style direct mais au style indirect. dans ce cas la question se construit comme une forme affirmative : why he has left.
14) le p. passé de get = got et surement pas getted!!! mais de toute façon ça ne colle pas ici. il faut mettre was angry.
15) there was no friendship.
16) between. enters veut dire entrer à la 3eme personne du sing au présent simple.
17) les adjectifs annoy et excit prennent ed :he was excited and annoyed. mais ici l'adjectif excited ne va pas . "le roi était excité?"
18) soliders and knights...
19) incredibly, ne va pas ici, tu ne peux pas l'utiliser dans ce sens.
20) to miss : rater/ manquer. ici tu veux dire perdre donc il faut utilser le verbe lose.he didn't want to lose...
21) but he went there disguised.
22) ce début de phrase est redondant et erroné. supprime cette phrase elle ne sert à rien.
23)no one discovered
24) who he really was.
25) except his son. ici own est de trop à mon goût.
26) and the king unfortunately died. ta phrase est trop lourde et mal écrite.
27) rode = conduire, aller à cheval, à vélo. p.passé de read= read!!! if you have read.
28) this horrible war.
29) enlève also.
30) because she wasn't married = garde le meme temps.
enfin ta morale n'est pas trés claire.
voilà.

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