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Gatsby's party à corriger
Message de shakis posté le 04-10-2005 à 16:00:45 (S | E | F | I)
Bonjour, pourriez-vous corriger ce que j'ai écris s'il vous plaît? Je sais que mon texte est très simpliste, et si vous pouviez m'aider à l'améliorer je vous en serait très reconnaissante! Car je ne sais pas comment le rendre plus "complexe".
Le contexte : A journalist working for the New York Times goes to a Gatsby's party. He wants to interview several guests to know their feelings about the host.
"Who can I interview in this party?...They are all similar! ....Go ! This girl with the group around her.
....Please ! (j'aurais voulu dire "mademoiselle! s'il vous plaît!"
- Yes? Do you want to dance with we?
- Willingly. But I want particularly to ask you questions.
- Are you police? But...It's no fault of my father ! He...
-No, no ! I'm journalist for the New York Times.
- Ok! Don't amind what I have said! What do you want to know?
- This party is so...colossal ! Music, food, light, all is not ordinary ! Why are you here?
- Like everyone else ! I'm here to enjoy myself.
- As for I, I want to meet the charming prince...Beautiful, young and riche...!
- "Beautiful, young and rich"... What it's original!...
What do you think about Gatsby? Is he the charming prince?
-Yes ! He is so mysterious... I have never seen him but I'm sure he is a gentleman. In my vew he is romantic, the kind of man who likes to see the sunset.
- I don't agree with you ! My sister has said to me that he killed someone...I'm afraid of him. Why he is never to his parties? It's suspicious.
- I think he is juste very busy. It's a businessman, that's obvious! Watch the party ! He is rich, that's why I can make what he wants.
- Charming prince, killer, businessman... I have what to write ! ("j'ai de quoi écrire!")".
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Edité par bridg le 04-10-2005 16:03
titre
Message de shakis posté le 04-10-2005 à 16:00:45 (S | E | F | I)
Bonjour, pourriez-vous corriger ce que j'ai écris s'il vous plaît? Je sais que mon texte est très simpliste, et si vous pouviez m'aider à l'améliorer je vous en serait très reconnaissante! Car je ne sais pas comment le rendre plus "complexe".
Le contexte : A journalist working for the New York Times goes to a Gatsby's party. He wants to interview several guests to know their feelings about the host.
"Who can I interview in this party?...They are all similar! ....Go ! This girl with the group around her.
....Please ! (j'aurais voulu dire "mademoiselle! s'il vous plaît!"
- Yes? Do you want to dance with we?
- Willingly. But I want particularly to ask you questions.
- Are you police? But...It's no fault of my father ! He...
-No, no ! I'm journalist for the New York Times.
- Ok! Don't amind what I have said! What do you want to know?
- This party is so...colossal ! Music, food, light, all is not ordinary ! Why are you here?
- Like everyone else ! I'm here to enjoy myself.
- As for I, I want to meet the charming prince...Beautiful, young and riche...!
- "Beautiful, young and rich"... What it's original!...
What do you think about Gatsby? Is he the charming prince?
-Yes ! He is so mysterious... I have never seen him but I'm sure he is a gentleman. In my vew he is romantic, the kind of man who likes to see the sunset.
- I don't agree with you ! My sister has said to me that he killed someone...I'm afraid of him. Why he is never to his parties? It's suspicious.
- I think he is juste very busy. It's a businessman, that's obvious! Watch the party ! He is rich, that's why I can make what he wants.
- Charming prince, killer, businessman... I have what to write ! ("j'ai de quoi écrire!")".
-------------------
Edité par bridg le 04-10-2005 16:03
titre
Réponse: 'Gatsby's party' à corrige de babyscot59, postée le 04-10-2005 à 16:16:05 (S | E)
bonjour corrigeons déja les fautes
et étoffons :"-Who can I interview in this party?...They are all similar! ....Go ! This girl with the group around her.
- Miss, please!!
-Yes?
-Do you want to dance with me?
- I would be delighted but first I must ask you a question.
-Are you policeman? But...It's not my father's fault ! He...
-No, no ! I'm a journalist for the New York Times.
- Ok! Forget what I have said! What do you want to know?
- This party is so...amazing ! Music, food, light, all is so extraordinary ! Why are you here?
- Like everyone else ! I'm here to enjoy myself.
- As for I am concerned, I want to meet the charming prince...Beautiful, young and rich...!
- "Beautiful, young and rich"... That's original!...What do you think about Gatsby? Is he the charming prince?
-Yes ! He is so mysterious... I have never seen him but I'm sure he is a gentleman. In my view he is romantic, the kind of man who likes to see the sunset.
- I don't agree with you ! My sister has said to me that he killed someone...I'm afraid of him. Why does he never take part to his parties? That's suspicious.
-I think he is juste very busy. He is a businessman, that's obvious! Look at the party ! He is rich, that's why He can make what he wants.
- Charming prince, killer, businessman... I have enough elements to write my article!!"
Ca semble pas mal sans doute d'autres membres pourront étoffer davantage.
Amicalement
babyscot
Réponse: 'Gatsby's party' à corrige de shakis, postée le 04-10-2005 à 16:23:28 (S | E)
merci beaucoup pour votre correction !
Il y a certaines phrases que j'aurais aimé améliorer :
- Who can I interview in this party?...They are all similar! ....Go ! This girl with the group around her. ==> cet ensemble de phrase ne paraît-il pas maladroit?
- the kind of man who likes to see the sunset. ==> je trouve cela trop "français", non?
-that's why he can make what he wants. ==> même remarque pour cette phrase
Réponse: 'Gatsby's party' à corrige de lucile83, postée le 04-10-2005 à 16:36:18 (S | E)
Hello,
- Who can I interview in this party?...They are all similar! ....Go ! This girl with the group around her.......
Who can I interview in this party as they are all similar except that girl among people over there ! let's go !
the kind of man who likes to see the sunset.......
the kind of man fond of watching the sunset
that's why he can make what he wants.....
that's why he can act as he likes
See you soon
Réponse: 'Gatsby's party' à corrige de ourimba, postée le 04-10-2005 à 17:35:03 (S | E)
I'll have a try as well - this is how I would write it in more conversational style. Please note that what lucile83 wrote is completely correct, this is not a correction, just some suggestions for those that have interest.
"Who can I interview in this party?...They are all similar! ....Go ! This girl with the group around her.
Who can I interview at this party ...They are all similar! .... Hey! How about this girl with the group around her
Note we use "at this party" if you are talking about the entire group - we use "in this party" if you are taking about a small group of people that are together at the party
....Please ! (j'aurais voulu dire "mademoiselle! s'il vous plaît!"
Excuse me, miss!
- Yes? Do you want to dance with we?
- Willingly. But I want particularly to ask you questions.
Sure, but I actually wanted to ask you some questions
- Are you police? But...It's no fault of my father ! He...
Are you with the police? But it's not my father's fault! He...
-No, no ! I'm journalist for the New York Times.
No, no! I'm a journalist with the NY Times
- Ok! Don't amind what I have said! What do you want to know?
Ok! Don't mind what I just said. What do you want to know?
- This party is so...colossal ! Music, food, light, all is not ordinary ! Why are you here?
This party is so...extravagant! Music, food, lights it's all so out of the ordinary! Why are you here?
- Like everyone else ! I'm here to enjoy myself.
- As for I, I want to meet the charming prince...Beautiful, young and riche...!
As for me, I'm here to meet a charming prince... Handsome, young and rich!
- "Beautiful, young and rich"... What it's original!...
What do you think about Gatsby? Is he the charming prince?
Handsome, young and rich... How original! What do you think of Gatsby? Is he a charming prince?
-Yes ! He is so mysterious... I have never seen him but I'm sure he is a gentleman.
In my vew he is romantic, the kind of man who likes to see the sunset.
He seems to be romantic, the kind of man who likes to watch the sunset.
- I don't agree with you ! My sister has said to me that he killed someone...I'm afraid of him. Why he is never to his parties? It's suspicious.
I don't agree! My sister told me that he killed someone... I'm a little afraid of him. Why doesn't he ever come to his own parties? It's very suspicious.
- I think he is juste very busy. It's a businessman, that's obvious! Watch the party ! He is rich, that's why I can make what he wants.
I think he's just very busy. He's obviously a businessman. Look at this party! He's rich, that's why he does what he wants.
- Charming prince, killer, businessman... I have what to write ! ("j'ai de quoi écrire!")".
Charming Prince, killer(,) businessman...I have what I need to write!
I'm not sure, but this might be: "charming prince, killer businessman" - with no comma between killer and businessman. This would sound like a headline for an article using the common expression: "killer businessman" meaning very good, almost ruthless. It seems unlikely that a journalist would label someone a killer in an article.
Réponse: 'Gatsby's party' à corrige de shakis, postée le 04-10-2005 à 19:38:22 (S | E)
merci beaucoup ! J'aimerais tellement savoir écrire comme ça un jour ! Avec de l'entrainement, j'y arriverai peut-être ! Alors merci car cela m'apporte beaucoup d'aide.
INDISPENSABLES : 