Correction/La Fille Du Train

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Correction/La Fille Du Train
Message de vaiana posté le 18-08-2018 à 00:36:51 (S | E | F)
Bonsoir,
Pouvez-vous m'aider by pinpointing my mistakes in this translated text, please?
Merci pour votre aide !

Texte d'origine : Il est peu après sept heures, et il fait froid là, dehors, mais c’est tellement beau, comme ça, tous les jardins, ces bandes vertes bien collées les unes aux autres, qui attendent que les doigts des rayons de soleil surgissent de derrière la voie ferrée et viennent les réanimer. Ça fait des heures que je suis réveillée, je n’arrive pas à dormir. Je n’ai pas dormi depuis des jours. Il n’y a rien de pire au monde que l’insomnie, je déteste ça, rester là avec le cerveau qui égrène chaque seconde, tic, tac, tic, tac. Mon corps entier me démange. J’ai envie de me raser le crâne.
J’ai envie de m’enfuir. De partir en road-trip en décapotable, les cheveux au vent, et de rouler jusqu’à la côte – n’importe laquelle. J’ai envie de marcher sur une plage. Avec mon grand frère, on voulait passer notre vie sur les routes. On avait des projets géniaux, Ben et moi. Enfin, c’était surtout les projets de Ben, c’était un grand rêveur. On était censés descendre en moto de Paris à la Côte d’Azur, ou longer toute la côte pacifique des États-Unis, de Seattle à Los Angeles ; on voulait retracer le parcours de Che Guevara de Buenos Aires à Caracas. Si j’avais fait tout ça, peut-être que je ne me serais pas retrouvée ici, à ne pas savoir quoi faire du reste de ma vie.
La Fille Du Train, Paula Hawkins (Édition Française).

Translation : It is a little after 7 a.m. and it is cold, there, outside, but it is so beautiful like that, all the gardens/ yards, those green strips stuck one another, that are awaiting the fingers of the sun's rays emerge from behind the railway and revive them. It is been hours since I am awoken, I cannot manage to fall asleep. I did not sleep for days. There is anything worse in the world than sleeplessness. I do hate it, staying here with the brain which list every single second, tick, tock, tick, tock. My entire/whole body itches me. I want to shave my skull.
I want to flee/run away. Going on a roadtrip with a convertible, wind blowing my hair away ( j'ai essayé de faire une résultative), and driving until reaching the shore - anyone. I want to walk on a beach. With my big brother, we wanted spend our lives on roads. We had brillant projects, Ben and I. At last, this was principally Ben's projects, he was a big dreamer. We was supposed to drive down by motorbike from Paris to the French Riviera, or drive along the Pacific Coast of the USA, from Seattle to Los Angeles; we wanted to redraw Che Guevara's route from Buenos Aires to Caracas. Maybe I would not find myself here do not knowing what to do with my life had I done all of that.

See you soon!

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Modifié par lucile83 le 18-08-2018 07:48

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Modifié par webmaster le 18-08-2018 08:54

Réponse : Correction/La Fille Du Train de here4u, postée le 18-08-2018 à 18:37:32 (S | E)
hello !

This is my "good deed" to wish you a wonderful holiday!

Texte d'origine : Il est peu après sept heures, et il fait froid là, dehors, mais c’est tellement beau, comme ça, tous les jardins, ces bandes vertes bien collées les unes aux autres, qui attendent que les doigts des rayons de soleil surgissent de derrière la voie ferrée et viennent les réanimer. Ça fait des heures que je suis réveillée, je n’arrive pas à dormir. Je n’ai pas dormi depuis des jours. Il n’y a rien de pire au monde que l’insomnie, je déteste ça, rester là avec le cerveau qui égrène chaque seconde, tic, tac, tic, tac. Mon corps entier me démange. J’ai envie de me raser le crâne.
J’ai envie de m’enfuir. De partir en road-trip en décapotable, les cheveux au vent, et de rouler jusqu’à la côte – n’importe laquelle. J’ai envie de marcher sur une plage. Avec mon grand frère, on voulait passer notre vie sur les routes. On avait des projets géniaux, Ben et moi. Enfin, c’était surtout les projets de Ben, c’était un grand rêveur. On était censés descendre en moto de Paris à la Côte d’Azur, ou longer toute la côte pacifique des États-Unis, de Seattle à Los Angeles ; on voulait retracer le parcours de Che Guevara de Buenos Aires à Caracas. Si j’avais fait tout ça, peut-être que je ne me serais pas retrouvée ici, à ne pas savoir quoi faire du reste de ma vie.
La Fille Du Train, Paula Hawkins (Édition Française).

Translation : It is a little after 7 a.m. and it is cold, there= éloignement spatial et/ ou temporel), outside, but it is so beautiful like that, all the gardens/ (very clumsy ... change structures )yards, those green strips stuck one another, that are awaiting XXX the fingers of the sun's rays XX emerge (change constructions!) from behind the railway and revive them. It is been hours since I am awoken, I cannot manage to fall asleep. I did not sleep for days. There is anything worse (Là aussi, je changerais la structure ...)in the world than sleeplessness. I do hate it, staying here with the brain which list every single second, tick, tock, tick, tock. My entire/whole body itches me. I want to shave my skull.
I want to flee/run away. Going on a roadtrip with a convertible, wind blowing my hair away ( j'ai essayé de faire une résultative) (was the wind that strong?), and driving until reaching the shore - anyone(Boff!). I want to walk on a beach. With my big brother, we wanted XX spend our lives on XXX roads. We had brillant projects(plans), Ben and I. At last, this was principally Ben's projects, he was a big dreamer. We was supposed to drive down by motorbike("drive" n'est pas pour un deux roues ...) from Paris to the French Riviera, or drive along the Pacific Coast of the USA, from Seattle to Los Angeles; we wanted to redraw Che Guevara's route from Buenos Aires to Caracas. Maybe I would not find(concordance des temps ... que l'on ne peut résoudre qu'en fin de phrase ... ) myself here do not knowing what to do with my life, had I done all of that.(j'aurais gardé la structure initiale ... "If ... I ....")

Have a great holiday! Don't forget to have a little rest!

Réponse : Correction/La Fille Du Train de traviskidd, postée le 18-08-2018 à 21:52:45 (S | E)
Hello, quelques remarques supplémentaires à ceux de here4u :

- those green strips stuck [preposition] one another
- to wait for X to do (exemple: I am waiting for you to finish the dishes.)
- I've been awake for/since...
- éviter trop de "manage" ... "can't" suffira la plupart du temps
- sleeplessness (bon, ou insomnia)
- I do hate it (non, le mode emphatique accentue la vérité du fait, pas son degré; il faut plutôt accentuer le verbe lui-même)
- staying (plutôt lying, sitting, etc. selon le cas)
- a brain (pas the)
- list (une particule captera mieux le sens)
- shave my skull (avec un rasoir? Ou plutôt "pull my hair out"?)
- flee/run away (bon, ou get away)
- road trip (deux mots)
- with a convertible (with = accompagné par)
- my hair blowing (aucun résultatif nécessaire) in the wind
- on roads (expression fixe: on the road)
- projects (mauvais choix de mot)
- redraw (un meilleur verbe est droit sous le nez !)
- le reste de --> ?

See you.

Réponse : Correction/La Fille Du Train de vaiana, postée le 24-08-2018 à 02:44:32 (S | E)
Bonsoir. Merci à vous deux. Voici mon nouvel essai :

It is a little after 7 a.m. and it is cold, here, outside, all the gardens, those green strips stuck to one another that are awaiting for the emergence of the sun rays' fingers from behind the railway and revive them. It is been hours since I have been awake, I cannot fall asleep. I have not slept for days. Nothing is worse in the world than sleeplessness. I hate it, sitting here with a brain which count every single second off, tick, tock, tick, tock. My entire body itches. I would like to shave my skull. I want to flee/run away. Going on a road trip by a convertible, my hair blowing in the wind and driving until reaching the shore - any of them. I feel like walking on a beach. With my big brother, we wanted to spend our lives on the road. We had brillant plans, Ben and I. At least, they were principally Ben's plans, he was a big dreamer. We were supposed to go down by motorbike from Paris to French Riviera, or go along the Pacific Coast of the USA, from Seattle to Los Angeles; we wanted to draw the route of Che Guevara from Buenos Aires to Caracas. Maybe I would have not find myself here not knowing what to do with my life had I done all of that./If I had done all of that, I would probably have not find myself here not knowing what to do with the rest of my life.

Merci !!

Réponse : Correction/La Fille Du Train de lucile83, postée le 30-08-2018 à 08:40:23 (S | E)
Hello,
erreurs en bleu...Je précise que je n'ai pas comparé avec le texte d'origine.

It is a little after 7 a.m. and it is cold, here, outside, all the gardens, those green strips stuck to one another that are awaiting for the emergence of the sun rays' fingers from behind the railway and revive them. It is been hours since I have been awake, I cannot fall asleep. I have not slept for days. Nothing is worse in the world than sleeplessness. I hate it, sitting here with a brain which count every single second off, tick, tock, tick, tock. My entire body itches. I would like to shave my skull. I want to flee/run away. Going on a road trip by a convertible, my hair blowing in the wind and driving until reaching the shore - any of them. I feel like walking on a beach. With my big brother, we wanted to spend our lives on the road. We had brillant plans, Ben and I. At least, they were principally Ben's plans, he was a big dreamer. We were supposed to go down by motorbike from Paris to ...French Riviera, or go along the Pacific Coast of the USA, from Seattle to Los Angeles; we wanted to draw the route of Che Guevara from Buenos Aires to Caracas. Maybe I would have not find myself here not knowing what to do with my life had I done all of that./If I had done all of that, I would probably have not find myself here not knowing what to do with the rest of my life.

Réponse : Correction/La Fille Du Train de vaiana, postée le 30-08-2018 à 12:58:23 (S | E)
Hello! Thanks!

It is a little after 7 a.m. and it is cold, here, outside, all the gardens, those green strips stuck to one another that are awaiting for the emergence of the sun rays' fingers from behind the railway and revive them. It is been hours since I have been awoken, I cannot fall asleep. I have not slept for days. Nothing is worse in the world than sleeplessness. I hate it, sitting here with a brain which counts every single second off, tick, tock, tick, tock. My entire body itches. I would like to shave my skull/head. I want to flee/run away. Going on a road trip by (I don't comprehend my mistake...) a convertible, my hair ~~blowing~~ in the wind and driving until reaching the shore - any of them. I feel like walking on a beach. With my big brother, we wanted to spend our lives on the road. We had brillant/genuine plans, Ben and I. At least, they were principally Ben's plans, he was a big dreamer. We were supposed to go down by motorbike from Paris to The French Riviera, or go along the Pacific Coast of the USA, from Seattle to Los Angeles; we wanted to redo the route of Che Guevara from Buenos Aires to Caracas. Maybe I would have not find myself here not knowing what to do with my life had I done all of that./If I had done all of that, I would probably have not find myself here not knowing what to do with the rest of my life.

Réponse : Correction/La Fille Du Train de lucile83, postée le 30-08-2018 à 16:25:00 (S | E)
Hello
It is a little after 7 a.m. and it is cold, here, outside, all the gardens, those green strips stuck to one another, that are awaiting for the emergence of the sun rays' fingers from behind the railway and revive them. It is been hours since I have been awoken, I cannot fall asleep. I have not slept for days. Nothing is worse in the world than sleeplessness. I hate it, sitting here with a brain which counts every single second off, tick, tock, tick, tock. My entire body itches.

I would like to shave my ~~skull/~~head. I want to flee/run away. Going on a road trip by (I don't comprehend my mistake...) a convertible, Driving my convertible on a trip, my hair blowing in the wind and reaching shores - any of them. I feel like walking on a beach. With my big brother, we wanted to spend our lives on the road. Ben and I had brilliant plans. At least, they were principally Ben's plans, ashe was a big dreamer. We were supposed to go down by motorbike from Paris to the French Riviera, or go along the Pacific Coast of the USA, from Seattle to Los Angeles; we wanted to redo the route of Che Guevara from Buenos Aires to Caracas. Maybe I would have not find myself here not knowing what to do with my life, had I done all of that./If I had done all of that, I would probably have not find myself here not knowing what to do with the rest of my life.

* Maybe/Perhaps I would not have found...place de la négation + find au participe passé = found !

Réponse : Correction/La Fille Du Train de vaiana, postée le 01-09-2018 à 01:47:55 (S | E)
Hello!

I would like to shave my head. I want to flee/run away. Driving my convertible on a trip, my hair blowing in the wind and reaching shores - any of them. I feel like walking on a beach. With my big brother, we wanted to spend our lives on the road. Ben and I had brilliant plans. At least, they were principally Ben's plans, ashe was a big dreamer. We were supposed to go down by motorbike from Paris to the French Riviera, or go along the Pacific Coast of the USA, from Seattle to Los Angeles; we wanted to redo the route of Che Guevara from Buenos Aires to Caracas. Maybe I would have not found myself here not knowing what to do with my life, had I done all of that./If I had done all of that, I would probably have not found myself here not knowing what to do with the rest of my life.

Thank you!

Réponse : Correction/La Fille Du Train de lucile83, postée le 01-09-2018 à 09:45:32 (S | E)
Hello,

I would like to shave my head. I want to flee/run away. Driving my convertible on a trip, my hair blowing in the wind and reaching shores - any of them. I feel like walking on a beach. With my big brother, we wanted to spend our lives on the road. Ben and I had brilliant plans. At least, they were principally Ben's plans, ashe as he was a big dreamer. We were supposed to go down by motorbike from Paris to the French Riviera, or go along the Pacific Coast of the USA, from Seattle to Los Angeles; we wanted to redo the route of Che Guevara from Buenos Aires to Caracas. Maybe I would have not found myself here not knowing what to do with my life, had I done all of that./If I had done all of that, I would probably have not found myself here not knowing what to do with the rest of my life.

1 petite erreur de frappe, qui vous pénaliserait quand même dans un examen je pense.
Je préfère la phrase commençant ainsi : Maybe I would have not found ...elle me semble plus légère.
Very good job all together with here4u and traviskidd

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