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Message de tristanlondon posté le 13-10-2018 à 19:38:19 (S | E | F)
Hello tout le monde !
j'ai besoin de vous pour m'aider à corriger un sujet du test IELTS,
le sujet : the world health organisation has described the latest ebola virus outbreak in west africa as the largest, most severe and most complex outbreak in the history of the disease.
The internationnal humanitarian charity Oxfam estimates at least 1.7 billions dollars to improve poor health system in ebola affected countries. Donations would be the only way to save the health systems of west africa. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement ?
Ma réponse :
I'm agree with this statement because i think the countries disease are needs help to other countries, and particular to help of the rich nations. Many organization in the world help west africa with donations,for collect 1.7 billions dollars the organization makes a big network platform on the internet for charity.
But I think also than countries affected in west africa should a form of coaltion for fight the virus outbreak (mutual help about army, money or medical assistance ). And put in quarantine the people who contract the virus, yet the states dask avoid overpopulated places.
Save the health system is not sufficient, effectively for fight the disease the people had need to eat correctly ans drink ! However in Africa the water is not current and rare for the poor population.
Other wau=ys to fight the ebola virus is to put an form of tax for the rich people (who have oil, gaz and in generally the raw material) for build a good health system in the affected countries. For me the donations of middle class peoples are don't a solution because in Europe or America the rich peoples don't give money for help, so one tax is a good idea.
Fight a mosquitos is another method for eradict Ebola, in fact the transmission is effectued by the food, human secretion and mosquitos, so the countries put in places a big campaign of eradication and kill all animals.
The latest probelm is the population, because she scary withe the modern medicinal method. The credence in a god or just in a tradition stop the poeple who go to hospitals.
So many things are to make for save the health system, nut other things as a quarantine or eradicqtion of mosquitos are to be done for eracdict ebola virus ans save the peoples who live in West Africa .
Je m'excuse pour les fautes; je m'entraine simplement en espèrant m'améliorer .
En vous remerciant
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 13-10-2018 22:00
Message de tristanlondon posté le 13-10-2018 à 19:38:19 (S | E | F)
Hello tout le monde !
j'ai besoin de vous pour m'aider à corriger un sujet du test IELTS,
le sujet : the world health organisation has described the latest ebola virus outbreak in west africa as the largest, most severe and most complex outbreak in the history of the disease.
The internationnal humanitarian charity Oxfam estimates at least 1.7 billions dollars to improve poor health system in ebola affected countries. Donations would be the only way to save the health systems of west africa. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement ?
Ma réponse :
I'm agree with this statement because i think the countries disease are needs help to other countries, and particular to help of the rich nations. Many organization in the world help west africa with donations,for collect 1.7 billions dollars the organization makes a big network platform on the internet for charity.
But I think also than countries affected in west africa should a form of coaltion for fight the virus outbreak (mutual help about army, money or medical assistance ). And put in quarantine the people who contract the virus, yet the states dask avoid overpopulated places.
Save the health system is not sufficient, effectively for fight the disease the people had need to eat correctly ans drink ! However in Africa the water is not current and rare for the poor population.
Other wau=ys to fight the ebola virus is to put an form of tax for the rich people (who have oil, gaz and in generally the raw material) for build a good health system in the affected countries. For me the donations of middle class peoples are don't a solution because in Europe or America the rich peoples don't give money for help, so one tax is a good idea.
Fight a mosquitos is another method for eradict Ebola, in fact the transmission is effectued by the food, human secretion and mosquitos, so the countries put in places a big campaign of eradication and kill all animals.
The latest probelm is the population, because she scary withe the modern medicinal method. The credence in a god or just in a tradition stop the poeple who go to hospitals.
So many things are to make for save the health system, nut other things as a quarantine or eradicqtion of mosquitos are to be done for eracdict ebola virus ans save the peoples who live in West Africa .
Je m'excuse pour les fautes; je m'entraine simplement en espèrant m'améliorer .
En vous remerciant
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 13-10-2018 22:00
Réponse : Aide correction/IELTS de laure95, postée le 15-10-2018 à 16:42:37 (S | E)
Bonjour,
le sujet : the world health organisation has described the latest ebola virus outbreak in west africa as the largest, most severe and most complex outbreak in the history of the disease.
The internationnal humanitarian charity Oxfam estimates at least 1.7 billions dollars to improve poor health system in ebola affected countries. Donations would be the only way to save the health systems of west africa. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement ?
-I'm agree (mal construit: être d'accord: to agree pas to be agree)
- i (majuscule)think
- the countries disease
are needs (mal conjugué)help to (from pas to) other countries,- and (préposition)particular to (enelver to) help of (from pas of)the rich nations.
- Many organization (pluriel) in the world help west africa (majuscule)with donations,for (to pas for) collect 1.7 billions (pas de "s")dollars
- But I think also than (pas le bon mot ici)countries affected in west africa (majuscule)should a (pas de "a") form of (a pas of) coaltion for (to pas for)fight the virus outbreak
- . And (pas de "and" en début de phrase)put in quarantine
- the states dask
avoid overpopulated places.- (to) Save the health system is not sufficient,
- effectively for (to pas for)fight the disease the people had need (mettre au présent) to eat correctly ans drink !
- (article) Other wau=ys (singulier) to fight the ebola virus is to put an (an devant un mot commençant par une voyelle)form of tax
- for (to pas for)build a good health system in the affected countries.
- For me the donations of middle class peoples (people est déjà un mot pluriel) are don't (mal conjugué) a solution
- the rich peoples
- (to) Fight a mosquitos (a + singulier) is another method for to pas for)eradict Ebola,
- effectued: ce mot n'existe pas.
- mosquitos: orthographe.
- so the countries put in places a big campaign of eradication and kill (passé)all animals.
- because she (pas le bon pronom) (verbe?) scary withe (orthographe)the modern medicinal method.
- The credence in a god or just in a tradition stop (faute de conjugaisonàthe poeple who go to hospitals.(singulier)
- So many things are to make for (to pas for)save the health system, nut other things as a quarantine or eradicqtion of mosquitos are to be done for (to pas for) eracdict ebola virus ans save the peoples (pas de "s") who live in West Africa .
Réponse : Aide correction/IELTS de chrisdelille, postée le 15-10-2018 à 18:49:49 (S | E)
Salut Tristan,
Je prépare un test similaire à l'IELTS et j'ai cru comprendre que les correcteurs étaient particulièrement attentifs à la structure et à l'enchainement de la rédaction. Tu peux par exemple utiliser des mots comme "as regards" "on one hand/on the other hand" etc.
Une erreur qui revient très souvent dans ce que tu as écrit c'est l'usage de "for" pour exprimer un but. "For fight the virus outbreak" "for fight the disease".
Lorsque l'on indique le but d'une action on doit absolument utiliser "to". Je te mets quelques exemples issus de mon livre de grammaire "I phoned the restaurant to reserve a table"/J'ai téléphoné au restaurant pour reserver une table. "We shouted to warn everybody of the danger"/ Nous avons crié pour avertir tout le monde du danger. En revanche on utilisera "for" si le mot qui suit est un nom "We stopped for petrol". Je pense aussi que tu dois revoir la construction et l'utilisation du présent simple et du présent continu, quand utiliser les auxiliaires ainsi que l'utilisation de la voix passive qui permet d'élever quelque peu le registre lexical.
Il y'a également quelques erreurs de vocabulaire, par exemple "current", il me semble qu'ici tu voulais dire "courant", qui se traduirait plutôt par "common" . Idem, "the credence in a god", tu as essayé de plaquer "la croyance en un dieu", sauf que tu ne peux pas le formuler de cette façon, j'aurais peut être dit "Their belief in God" ou alors "Their faith in god" (leur foi en dieu)...
Attention enfin à certaines formulations maladroites "The latest probelm is the population, because she scary withe the modern medicinal method. The credence in a god or just in a tradition stop the poeple who go to hospitals." Je comprends ce que tu voulais dire mais la formulation pourrait être perçue comme blessante par les correcteurs.
Sur le plan grammatical "The population is scared", " to stop someone from doing something". Tu pourrais par exemple écrire "The suspicion towards occidental medicine might stop some people from going to hospital".
Bonne continuation,
Chris.
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