Correction/my story

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Correction/my story
Message de roy10 posté le 11-05-2020 à 15:21:01 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
J'espère que vous allez tous très bien.
J'aimerais avoir de l'aide pour corriger d'éventuelles erreurs présentes dans mon histoire.
Merci beaucoup d'avance à ceux qui m'aideront !

Four friends named Bobby, Courtney, Mark and Loor decided to spend their holidays in Courtney's grandfather's mansion. They wanted to celebrate together their bachelor's obtention. Everyone was happy during the travel except one person : Bobby. He wasn't in a mood to enjoy something. He thought about another thing. Bobby had a little brother, Andy. He represented everything to him. He loved him above everything. Five years later, he and his family went to Chaokigara a little forest, to do camping. After being installed, Bobby and Andy moved away from the tent to play to hide-and-seek. Unfortunately, Andy disappeared mysteriously during the game. Few days later, police had found an unidentified dead body of a kid because. It was burnt. They had also found near the body a chain : it was Bobby's gift to his brother for his fifth birthday. They concluded that this was Andy's body. Bobby suffered a lot : he was haunted by the idea that this was not Andy's body. He cannot be the reason of his little brother dead ; it was his idea to play in the forest. He loved him a lot to make Andy's life in danger.
"Bobby, Bobby we are arrived" Courtney said to him.
Then, they take half an hour to settle their things in the mansion.
Nice place Mark said with admiration.
Courtney, I want to take breath, I'm coming out ten minutes. Bobby said
Yeah that's a great idea ! Loor added
I want to be alone. Bobby responded coldly. Then he left.
Don't worry Loor. You know he is still upset because of his brother.
Mark was Bobby's best friend since childhood. They shared everything. He was the only person to know the real story of his brother's dead. The others just knew that few years later Bobby lost his brother. During an hour, Mark Courtney and Loor take rest after the long travel. Two hours passed, Bobby didn't come back. Three hours past, it started to be night, still any news of him.
I am worried about Bobby. Loor said. He didn't respond to my phone calls.
Yes it is not a good sign. Courtney said Moreover, there is nothing around the mansion, just a forest a few miles from there.
Mark tensed
A forest ? What kind of forest ?
You know a forest where people used to do camping but I heard that it is a little bit creepy.
Mark's heartbeat accelerated
What is the name of the forest ?
It's a weird name it is not important. Loor tried to call him another time.
Mark
Courtney tell me the forest name ?
She started to understand Mark's tension.
Mark, are you...
Courtney come on !
Chaokigara.

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Modifié par lucile83 le 11-05-2020 15:30
Gris

Réponse : Correction/my story de gerold, postée le 12-05-2020 à 11:10:35 (S | E)
Bonjour

Four friends named Bobby, Courtney, Mark and Loor decided to spend their holidays in Courtney's grandfather's double cas possessif, c'est inhabituel, plutôt in the mansion of ... mansion. They wanted to celebrate together their bachelor's obtention degree. Everyone was happy during the travel except xx ajoutez un mot one person : Bobby. He wasn't in a mood to enjoy something la phrase est négative. He thought forme progressive about another thing autre chose = something + un autre mot. Bobby had a little brother, Andy. He represented everything to him ambigu. He loved him above everything. Five years later plus tard ? plus tôt ?, he and his family went to Chaokigara a little forest, to do camping. After being installed, Bobby and Andy moved away from the tent to play to hide-and-seek. Unfortunately, Andy disappeared mysteriously during the game. A few days later, xx police had found autre temps du passé an the unidentified dead body of a kid because. ?? It was burnt. They had also found near the body a chain mieux : changer l'ordre des mots : it was Bobby's gift to his brother for his fifth birthday. They concluded that this was Andy's body. Bobby suffered a lot : he was haunted by the idea that this was not Andy's body. He cannot be employez une structure passée the reason of autre préposition his little brother dead cas possessif et dead est un adjectif, il faut le nom correspondant; it was his ambigu idea to play in the forest. He loved him a lot "trop" to make Andy's life in danger to endanger, ou to put sth/sb at risk.
"Bobby, Bobby we are "to be" n'est pas l'auxiliaire des temps composés arrived" Courtney said to him.
....
Je m'arrête ici pour l'instant

Réponse : Correction/my story de gerold, postée le 12-05-2020 à 12:44:22 (S | E)
(suite)
Then, they take prétérit half an hour to settle their things in the mansion.
Nice place Mark said with autre préposition admiration.
Courtney, I want to take breath, I'm coming out ten minutes. Bobby said
Yeah that's a great idea ! Loor added
I want to be alone. Bobby responded coldly. Then he left.
Don't worry Loor. You know he is still upset because of his brother.
Mark was attention au temps à cause de "since" Bobby's best friend since childhood. They shared everything. He was the only person to know the real story of his brother's dead correction précédente . The others just knew that few years later correction précédente Bobby lost autre temps (idée d'antériorité) his brother. During an hour, Mark Courtney and Loor take prétérit xx au lieu de "during", utilisez ici le cas possessif pour exprimer la durée rest after the long travel. Two hours passed, Bobby didn't come back. Three hours past, it started to be night, still xx any il faut une négation, "any" n'est pas négatif en soi, et autre mot signifiant "encore", à placer à la fin. news of him.
I am worried about Bobby.point à enlever Loor said. He didn't respond to my phone calls.
Yes it is not a good sign. Courtney said point Moreover, there is nothing around the mansion, just a forest a few miles from there.
Mark tensed up.
A forest ? What kind of forest ?
You know, a forest where people used to do camping but I heard that it is a little bit creepy.
Mark's heartbeat accelerated
What is the name of the forest ?
It's a weird name it is not important. Loor tried to call him Bobby ? another time.
Mark
Courtney, tell me the forest name structure avec "of" ?
She started to understand Mark's tension.
Mark, are you...
Courtney, come on !
Chaokigara.

Réponse : Correction/my story de roy10, postée le 14-05-2020 à 22:16:11 (S | E)
Bonsoir,

Four friends named Bobby, Courtney, Mark and Loor decided to spend their holidays in the mansion of Courtney's grandfather. They wanted to celebrate together their bachelor's degree. Everyone was happy during the travel except (je vois pas quoi rajouter) : Bobby. He wasn't in a mood to enjoy anything. He was thinking about something else. Bobby had a little brother, Andy. He loved him above everything. Five years ago, he and his family went to Chaokigara Forest to do camping. After being installed, Bobby and Andy moved away from the tent to play hide-and-seek. Unfortunately, Andy disappeared mysteriously during the game. A few days later, the police was finding the unidentified dead body of a kid. However, they had also found a chaine near the body : it is Bobby's gift to his brother for his fifth birthday. They concluded that this was Andy's body. Bobby suffered a lot : he was haunted by the idea that this was not Andy's body. He couldn't be the reason for his little brother's death ; it was Bobby's idea to play in the forest. He loved him so much to make Andy's life to endanger.
"Bobby, Bobby we have arrived" Courtney said to him.
Then, they took half an hour to settle their things in the mansion.
Nice place Mark said in admiration.
Courtney, I want to take breath, I'm coming out ten minutes. Bobby said
Yeah that's a great idea ! Loor added
I want to be alone. Bobby responded. Then he left.
Don't worry Loor. You know he is still upset.
Mark had been Bobby's best friend since childhood. They shared everything. He is the only person to know the real story of his brother's death. The others just knew that few years ago Bobby had lost his brother. Mark Courtney and Loor took rest an hour after the long travel. Two hours passed, Bobby didn't come back. Three hours passed, it started to be night, still no any news of him yet.
I am worried about Bobby Loor said. He didn't respond to my phone calls.
Yes I am also. Courtney said. Moreover, there is nothing around the mansion, just a forest a few miles from there.
Mark tensed up.
A forest ? What kind of forest ?
You know a forest where people used to do camping but I heard that it is a little bit creepy. Loor, try to call Bobby another time.
Mark's heartbeat accelerated
What is the name of the forest ?
It's a weird name it is not important…
Courtney tell me the name of the forest ?
Why…
Courtney come on !
Chaokigara.

Réponse : Correction/my story de gerold, postée le 15-05-2020 à 09:43:24 (S | E)
Bonjour

Four friends named Bobby, Courtney, Mark and Loor decided to spend their holidays in the mansion of Courtney's grandfather. They wanted to celebrate together their bachelor's degree. Everyone was happy during the travel except (je vois pas quoi rajouter) for Bobby. He wasn't in a mood to enjoy anything. He was thinking about something else. Bobby had a little brother, Andy. He loved him above everything. Five years ago, he and his family went to Chaokigara Forest to do camping. After being installed, Bobby and Andy moved away from the tent to play hide-and-seek. Unfortunately, Andy disappeared mysteriously during the game. A few days later, the police was finding "police" est un nom collectif qui s'accorde au pluriel, mais de toute façon la forme progressive n'est pas justifiée, employez le prétérit simple the unidentified dead body of a kid. However, they had also found a chaine near the body : it is prétérit Bobby's gift to his brother for his fifth birthday. They concluded that this was Andy's body. Bobby suffered a lot : he was haunted by the idea that this was not Andy's body. He couldn't be the reason for his little brother's death ; it was Bobby's idea to play in the forest cette phrase et la précédente sont un peu contradictoires, si c'est B. qui a eu l'idée,il est quand même un peu responsable de ce qui s'est passé . He loved him so much "trop" to ~~make~~ Andy's life to endanger ordre des mots à changer. Bobby, Bobby we have arrived" Courtney said to him.
Then, they took half an hour to settle their things in the mansion.
Nice place Mark said in admiration.
Courtney, I want to take breath, I'm coming out xx préposition ten minutes. Bobby said
Yeah that's a great idea ! Loor added
I want to be alone. virgule au lieu du point Bobby responded. Then he left.
Don't worry Loor. You know he is still upset.
Mark had been Bobby's best friend since childhood. They shared everything. He is the only person to know the real story of ~~his~~ Bobby's brother's death. The others just knew that few years ago Bobby had lost his brother. Mark Courtney and Loor took rest an hour le cas possessif peut exprimer la durée after the long travel. Two hours passed, Bobby didn't come back. Three hours passed, it started to be night, still no any ces deux mots ne vont pas ensemble news of him yet.
I am worried about Bobby Loor said. He didn't respond to my phone calls.
Yes I am also. Courtney said. Moreover, there is nothing around the mansion, just a forest a few miles from there.
Mark tensed up.
A forest ? What kind of forest ?
You know a forest where people used to do camping but I heard that it is a little bit creepy. Loor, try to call Bobby another time = à un autre moment, plus tard, ce n'est pas "une fois de plus".
Mark's heartbeat accelerated
What is the name of the forest ?
It's a weird name it is not important…
Courtney tell me the name of the forest ?
Why…
Courtney virgule come on !
Chaokigara.

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