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correction d'une nouvelle
Message de ptitemimi03 posté le 30-10-2007 à 18:23:30 (S | E | F | I)
Bonjour à tous,
J'ai rédiger une nouvelle qui parle d'un meutre de fourmi
. Je voudrais qu'elle soit le plus parfaite possible, c'est pour cela que j'aurais aimé avoir votre aide pour la corriger.
The guard, Billy, walked when he found a fat biscuit on the way. He wanted to put the biscuit in the store room, but he saw a corpse under the biscuit. He was afraid. Then, he saw the body of the queen, Folly. He cried and called the police officer of the ants’ criminal brigade :
“Kurt, it’s horrible, I found the queen. You must come.”
Folly was crushed by the biscuit. She was discovered by Billy in the garden at 4 p.m. The investigation was made by Kurt, the police officer. He suspected three peoples.
First, he suspected the ants’ queen of the rival territory, Sissi because they are at war. She could be the murderer. It’s likely she killed Folly in order to have a bigger territory.
Then, Kurt suspected Folly’s sister, Kate. She was the last person seen with her sister. Perhaps she murdered her sister in order to take her place and become the new queen.
To finish, Kim, the nasty and crazy ant was suspected by Kurt. Everybody knew she was jealous of the queen’s legs.
Kurt came where the body was discovered in order to find clues. He found one earring next to the corpse and he knew Kate has always earrings so she become the suspect number one. He wanted to find the culprit.
He went in the Kate’s house in order to know her alibi but he saw she wasn’t the culprit because she had her two earrings and Kate said :
“When my sister was assassinated, I was with my boyfriend.”
Kurt was disappointed. So he wanted to know the alibi of the queen, Sissi, because it’s possible she was the killer. When he went see her, she said :
“I don’t killed the queen, I made sport with my friend.”
Sissi wasn’t the culprit. The guard talked about the crime with Kurt.
“ – Do you know the culprit ?
- No, I didn’t but I think Folly was assassinated by Kim.
- It’s possible, she’s crazy and very jealous.
- I will go to the laboratory in order to find other clues.”
In the laboratory, a woman explained she found print of the teeth on the biscuit. After a long time, Kurt was sure it was Kim the killer. He called his boss in order to search more clues in the kim’s house.
“ – Boss, can I go to the house of Kim ? I’m sure the culprit is her but I need more clues.
- Yes, you can.”
So he went to the Kim’s house. She was sitting on the sofa during Kurt searched evidences. In her bedroom, he saw crumbs of this biscuit.
“ – Kim, What did you do before 4 p.m. today ?
- I was in the ants’ bar.
- Were you alone ?
- Yes, I was.
- Was this a witness ?
- Yes, this was the barman.
- Okay, thank you Kim, good bye.”
Kurt didn’t believe her so he went to the bar in order to checked her alibi. But the barman said she wasn’t here at the moment. Then he came back in the Kim’s house.
He arrested Kim and they went to the police station. Finally Kim said it was she the culprit. She explained her life was borring and she was jealous of the queen’s legs but she didn’t said how she made this. Kurt was congratulated. Kate became the new queen and she wasn’t at war with Sissi. They may be friends.
Je suis désolée qu'elle soit longue mais pour les courageux qui voudront m'aider je les remercie beaucoup
J'espère avoir de vos réponses
Merci d'avance
A bientôt
Message de ptitemimi03 posté le 30-10-2007 à 18:23:30 (S | E | F | I)
Bonjour à tous,
J'ai rédiger une nouvelle qui parle d'un meutre de fourmi
. Je voudrais qu'elle soit le plus parfaite possible, c'est pour cela que j'aurais aimé avoir votre aide pour la corriger.The guard, Billy, walked when he found a fat biscuit on the way. He wanted to put the biscuit in the store room, but he saw a corpse under the biscuit. He was afraid. Then, he saw the body of the queen, Folly. He cried and called the police officer of the ants’ criminal brigade :
“Kurt, it’s horrible, I found the queen. You must come.”
Folly was crushed by the biscuit. She was discovered by Billy in the garden at 4 p.m. The investigation was made by Kurt, the police officer. He suspected three peoples.
First, he suspected the ants’ queen of the rival territory, Sissi because they are at war. She could be the murderer. It’s likely she killed Folly in order to have a bigger territory.
Then, Kurt suspected Folly’s sister, Kate. She was the last person seen with her sister. Perhaps she murdered her sister in order to take her place and become the new queen.
To finish, Kim, the nasty and crazy ant was suspected by Kurt. Everybody knew she was jealous of the queen’s legs.
Kurt came where the body was discovered in order to find clues. He found one earring next to the corpse and he knew Kate has always earrings so she become the suspect number one. He wanted to find the culprit.
He went in the Kate’s house in order to know her alibi but he saw she wasn’t the culprit because she had her two earrings and Kate said :
“When my sister was assassinated, I was with my boyfriend.”
Kurt was disappointed. So he wanted to know the alibi of the queen, Sissi, because it’s possible she was the killer. When he went see her, she said :
“I don’t killed the queen, I made sport with my friend.”
Sissi wasn’t the culprit. The guard talked about the crime with Kurt.
“ – Do you know the culprit ?
- No, I didn’t but I think Folly was assassinated by Kim.
- It’s possible, she’s crazy and very jealous.
- I will go to the laboratory in order to find other clues.”
In the laboratory, a woman explained she found print of the teeth on the biscuit. After a long time, Kurt was sure it was Kim the killer. He called his boss in order to search more clues in the kim’s house.
“ – Boss, can I go to the house of Kim ? I’m sure the culprit is her but I need more clues.
- Yes, you can.”
So he went to the Kim’s house. She was sitting on the sofa during Kurt searched evidences. In her bedroom, he saw crumbs of this biscuit.
“ – Kim, What did you do before 4 p.m. today ?
- I was in the ants’ bar.
- Were you alone ?
- Yes, I was.
- Was this a witness ?
- Yes, this was the barman.
- Okay, thank you Kim, good bye.”
Kurt didn’t believe her so he went to the bar in order to checked her alibi. But the barman said she wasn’t here at the moment. Then he came back in the Kim’s house.
He arrested Kim and they went to the police station. Finally Kim said it was she the culprit. She explained her life was borring and she was jealous of the queen’s legs but she didn’t said how she made this. Kurt was congratulated. Kate became the new queen and she wasn’t at war with Sissi. They may be friends.
Je suis désolée qu'elle soit longue mais pour les courageux qui voudront m'aider je les remercie beaucoup
J'espère avoir de vos réponses
Merci d'avance
A bientôt
INDISPENSABLES : 