Correction baby-sitting (1)

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

POSTER UNE NOUVELLE REPONSE

Correction baby-sitting
Message de vali93 posté le 09-04-2008 à 20:13:08 (S | E | F)
Voici ma redaction, pourriez vous m'aidez à la coriger. Merci


Dear madam,

My name is *******, I am 15 years old and I'm the 4th year at the secondary school.
This morning, when I saw your job offer I thought I will be the one you need ! Because I sociable, talkative, energetic, it's good for children. But I can be careful, with me, your children won't be in danger. For the experience with young children an babies, I have it. Indeed, I have kept my sister since she was 5 years old. However I have never kept babies but I am sure I will do it. I can keep your children Saturday and Friday nights which are day where I haven't school that tomorrow
I can keep them all the night, it's not a problem because I like watch a TV or read so I may take a book and I may read during the children may sleep. For other days, I can keep them if it's not long because I must do my homework.
May you tell me, a pay for a job ? Thank you

Hoping to hear from you soon

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 09-04-2008 21:50
titre

---

Réponse: Correction baby-sitting de robert0215, postée le 09-04-2008 à 23:43:57 (S | E)
My name is *******, I am 15 years old and I'm the 4th year at the secondary school.
This morning, when I saw your job offer I me am allowed to answer you because I believe to be the person you are looking for I am sociable, talkative, energetic, it's good for children. And I can be very careful for your children they won't be in danger with me. I have a good experience with young children Of course, I kept my sister since she was 5 years old. However I have never kept of baby but I am sure I will be able to do. I can keep your children the nights on Saturday and Friday which are days without school the next day
I can keep them all the night, it's not a problem because I can watch TV or read during the children sleep. For others days,I have the possibility keep them until eleven hour p.m because I must do my homework.

Could you say me what you intend to give as renumeration please?

Pending your call for an appointment
I ask you to receive my sincere greetings

---

Réponse: Correction baby-sitting de gee, postée le 10-04-2008 à 11:13:10 (S | E)
A partir de la version de Robert, je ferais les modifications suivantes. Mais ce n'est sûrement pas encore la meilleure lettre.

My name is *******. I am 15 and attend the 4th year at secondary school.

I answer your job offer as I believe to be the right person you are looking for. I am sociable, talkative, energetic, all features that suit a childminder. You may trust me: Your children would be safe with me.
It wouldn't be my first experience with young children as I had to look after my wee five-year-old sister.(1: see below)
Nevertheless I must confess having never had to take care of a baby but I am sure I would be able to.
I could mind your children on Saturday and Friday nights because I am clear of school the next day. I could look after them all the night long, it's not a problem; I would watch TV or read as the children would be sleeping.
On others days, I have the possibility to look after them only up until 11 PM due to my homework duties.

Could you tell me what you intend to give as renumeration please?

Pending your call for an appointment,
Sincerely,

(1) how old were you when you had to look after your 5-year-old sister? that's not clear.

---

Réponse: Correction baby-sitting de stephenh, postée le 10-04-2008 à 18:32:20 (S | E)
Bonjour Vali93

C'est un très bon essaie. J'ai corrigé votre lettre avec quelques explications.

Les plus parts des erreurs étaient les petits fautes et certainement vous avez expliqué clairement votre désire pour le boulot, votre disponibilité et votre expérience! donc félicitations.


Dear madam,

My name is *******, I am 15 years old and I'm (1) in the 4th year at (2) the secondary school.
This morning, when I saw your job offer I thought (3) that I would be the one you need ! Because I (4) am sociable, talkative (5) and energetic which would be good for children. But I can be careful, with me, your children won't be in danger. (6) I have some experience with young children (7). Indeed, I have (8) babysat for my sister since she was 5 years old. However I have (9) never looked after babies but I am sure (10)I could do it. I can (11)look after your children (12)on Friday and Saturday nights which are (13)days (14) when I haven't (15)got school (16)in the morning
I can (17)look after them them all (18)night (19) if necessary, it's not a problem because I like (20)to watch (21)TV or read so I may take a book and I may read (22)while the children (23) sleep. For other days, I can (24) look after them (25)as long as it is not too late because I must do my homework.
(26) Please could you tell me (27)what you pay per hour? (28)
Hoping to hear from you soon

(29)Yours faithfully

1) "I'm the 4th year" veut dire que vous êtes la classe pas un membre de la classe.
2) Si c'est l'école spécifique donc l'école de la ville "the" est correct mais j'ai l'impression ce n'est pas une école spécifique donc effacez "The"
3)"Will" est certain mais c'est la décision de Mme xxxxx est incertain on utilise la conditionnel "would".
4) Il n'y a pas un verbe
5) le dernier d'une liste on ajoute "and" avant
6)vous avez utilisé une phrase indirect et c'est mieux être plus direct ici, aussi il y a une contradiction car vous dites que vous n'avez pas occupé les bébés.
7) "I have it" est très français
8)"I have kept" veut dire que vous êtes le propriétaire de votre soeur!
9) voir 8
10)"will" est le future donc il veut dire que c'est votre intention à avoir des enfants. "Could" conditionnel donc la même que 3
11) Voir 8
12) Simplement l'ordre du jours
13) Pluriel
14)"Where" est position "When" est le temps
15) apprendre les sens de "To get, got" comme il n'existe pas en français mais c'est une des verbes le plus souvent utilisé en anglais.
16)"tomorrow" est spécifique donc aujourd'hui, demain, Vous voulez le lendemain donc "the next day" ou le lendemain matin "in the morning"
17)voir 8
18)sens générale donc pas de "The"
19)Est-ce que vous voulez rester au poste toute la nuit!
20) Après To like l'infinitif prend le "to"
21) Sens générale donc sans "The"
22)Deux activités au même temps donc "I do" quelque chose "While" Quelque chose autre se passe.
23) "May" dites qu'il y a un choix pour les enfants donc définitivement vous lirez et les enfants feront n'importe quoi.
24) Voir 8
25)"Long" est la durée qui n'est pas la problème c'est l'heure donc on dit "Late" comme une heure tarde.
26)Comme 21 "May" implique un choix donc "Could" implique incertitude
27)C'est pas claire ici. "A Job" est travail pour le soir donc 2heures ou 5 heures la paie est le même. Normalement "Babysitting" est par heure donc je pense vous le voulez dire comme ci.
28)Vous n'avez pas reçu le prix encore donc j'ai effacé "Thank you"
29)Pour la terminaison au début "Dear Sir/Madam" on utilise "Yours faithfully"
avec "Dear Mr xxxxx/Mrs xxxxx" on utilise "Yours sincerely"

---

POSTER UNE NOUVELLE REPONSE