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Brian (correction)
Message de louisss1 posté le 22-04-2008 à 21:54:31 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous !
Je sollicite votre précieuse aide pour m'aider à me corriger sur une nouvelle de trois pages de ma composition. Je l'ai totalement inventé donc vous ne la trouverez pas ni en anglais ni en français.
Est-ce que vous pourriez vérifier la concordance des temps ainsi que la grammaire qui je pense laisse un peu à désirer ...
Voila j'espère que vous allez m'aider et je vous remercie d'avance pour votre gentillesse !
Voici ma nouvelle :
A difficult Investigation
« Hello Mr Brian Fury ! »
« Hello everybody ! »
« Mr Brian Fury, I am very please to meet you on my TV show called « Interviewed by Cindy ». I repeat that you are one of the most famous inspector of the FBI. You have resolved a lot of murders and very difficult investigations. You are in fact a specialist of serial killers. When do you have begun your career as an inspector ? »
« It was exactly in 1978. I was thirty-five years old, and now I am quiet old : I am sixty-five. »
« You are not as old as you say Mr Fury ! You seem very sportive and bright ! »
« It is necessary for my work of course, but I would like to have my young legs : I can not run really fast now...»
« (she laughs) Someone has sent me an excellent question by mail. I read it to you : « What is the resolved investigation that you are the most proud ? » . »
« Oh ! I have a famous investigation in brain. It was in 1980 and I was a young inspector. The FBI has convinded to me an important affair of serial murders : 3 persons have been killed and the ways of killing were exactly the same. I knew that the affair would be very difficult. »
« Why do you say that ? »
« I tell that because, even if I knew that it was the same killer, I found no indices in the three crime's scenes. Furthermore, the three murders had been commited in different states of the United States : a bus driver had been killed in Louisiana, a policeman had been killed in Florida and a retired had been killed in Arkansas. And moreover, there were no way to join the different matters in hand because neither of the killed persons knew themselves. It was a very strange and peculiar inquest. »
« And what was the way of killing ? »
« Oh ... It was so ugly and hideous ! The manslayer gave a ring, disguised in plumber, and said that he was here to repare some drainpipes. Then, he throttled the person with a huge rope. After that, he cut the skin of the dead person and took some blood. Ultimately, he wrote the word « vengeance » with the blood and got away from the home. »
« What an ugly man ! »
« Yes that's true but the story of the inquest is not finished. At that time, my colleagues and me didn't understand why this man did that. We didn't realize too why he wrote the word « vengeance » with blood. We asked ourself a lot questions, without any answers and it was very frustrating. Because it was one of my first investigation, it was still inconvenient for me. My team and me couldn't do anything and consequently we were obliged to wait for an another murder to learn more about the personality and the mobile of the murderer. The next murder arrives one month after the third. It was a woman who lived in Florida and he was a consulting engineer. »
« You have a very good memory ! It was 30 years old and your memories are intact ! »
« Yes that's right, but an inquest like that, it is unforgettable. So, I was speaking about the consulting engineer. He has been killed with the same manner than the other. The same word « vengeance » was written on the wall. It was excruciating. I had the feeling that we could not do anything for the next persons that he would slay. We had not found any indices and at that time it was the beginnings of ADN tests. But something was really strange : I had the feeling that the murderer killed on the off-chance. He killed women, men, in different states, they had totally different works and different ages. So why the murderer had an spirit of « vengeance » if those killed per
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Modifié par bridg le 22-04-2008 22:00
Attention, ne nous confondez pas avec un site de correcteurs. Le seul but ici est l'apprentissage des langues. Les fautes peuvent vous être indiquées, la correction devra être faite par vous ensuite.
Message de louisss1 posté le 22-04-2008 à 21:54:31 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous !
Je sollicite votre précieuse aide pour m'aider à me corriger sur une nouvelle de trois pages de ma composition. Je l'ai totalement inventé donc vous ne la trouverez pas ni en anglais ni en français.
Est-ce que vous pourriez vérifier la concordance des temps ainsi que la grammaire qui je pense laisse un peu à désirer ...
Voila j'espère que vous allez m'aider et je vous remercie d'avance pour votre gentillesse !
Voici ma nouvelle :
A difficult Investigation
« Hello Mr Brian Fury ! »
« Hello everybody ! »
« Mr Brian Fury, I am very please to meet you on my TV show called « Interviewed by Cindy ». I repeat that you are one of the most famous inspector of the FBI. You have resolved a lot of murders and very difficult investigations. You are in fact a specialist of serial killers. When do you have begun your career as an inspector ? »
« It was exactly in 1978. I was thirty-five years old, and now I am quiet old : I am sixty-five. »
« You are not as old as you say Mr Fury ! You seem very sportive and bright ! »
« It is necessary for my work of course, but I would like to have my young legs : I can not run really fast now...»
« (she laughs) Someone has sent me an excellent question by mail. I read it to you : « What is the resolved investigation that you are the most proud ? » . »
« Oh ! I have a famous investigation in brain. It was in 1980 and I was a young inspector. The FBI has convinded to me an important affair of serial murders : 3 persons have been killed and the ways of killing were exactly the same. I knew that the affair would be very difficult. »
« Why do you say that ? »
« I tell that because, even if I knew that it was the same killer, I found no indices in the three crime's scenes. Furthermore, the three murders had been commited in different states of the United States : a bus driver had been killed in Louisiana, a policeman had been killed in Florida and a retired had been killed in Arkansas. And moreover, there were no way to join the different matters in hand because neither of the killed persons knew themselves. It was a very strange and peculiar inquest. »
« And what was the way of killing ? »
« Oh ... It was so ugly and hideous ! The manslayer gave a ring, disguised in plumber, and said that he was here to repare some drainpipes. Then, he throttled the person with a huge rope. After that, he cut the skin of the dead person and took some blood. Ultimately, he wrote the word « vengeance » with the blood and got away from the home. »
« What an ugly man ! »
« Yes that's true but the story of the inquest is not finished. At that time, my colleagues and me didn't understand why this man did that. We didn't realize too why he wrote the word « vengeance » with blood. We asked ourself a lot questions, without any answers and it was very frustrating. Because it was one of my first investigation, it was still inconvenient for me. My team and me couldn't do anything and consequently we were obliged to wait for an another murder to learn more about the personality and the mobile of the murderer. The next murder arrives one month after the third. It was a woman who lived in Florida and he was a consulting engineer. »
« You have a very good memory ! It was 30 years old and your memories are intact ! »
« Yes that's right, but an inquest like that, it is unforgettable. So, I was speaking about the consulting engineer. He has been killed with the same manner than the other. The same word « vengeance » was written on the wall. It was excruciating. I had the feeling that we could not do anything for the next persons that he would slay. We had not found any indices and at that time it was the beginnings of ADN tests. But something was really strange : I had the feeling that the murderer killed on the off-chance. He killed women, men, in different states, they had totally different works and different ages. So why the murderer had an spirit of « vengeance » if those killed per
-------------------
Modifié par bridg le 22-04-2008 22:00
Attention, ne nous confondez pas avec un site de correcteurs. Le seul but ici est l'apprentissage des langues. Les fautes peuvent vous être indiquées, la correction devra être faite par vous ensuite.
Réponse: Brian (correction) de soap47, postée le 23-04-2008 à 13:59:55 (S | E)
Salut, donc comme tu dois le savoir je ne vais pas tout de réécrire mais il me semble que ton texte comporte quelques fautes.(Attention ma correction peut être fausse à certain points).
Moi aussi j'ai du mal à comprendre le présent perfect mais je pense que tu l'utilise trop souvent (ligne 11, 12 et d'autres, étant donné que ce texte est au passé sans aucun lien avec le présent, je pense qu'il ne doit pas y avoir beaucoup de présent perfect. A vérifier)
A la 3è ligne si tu veux adopter un langage plus oral je te conseille de mettre "Nice to meet you on my TV show called « Interviewed by Cindy".
Attention à la 5è ligne pour les questions au passé pour un point de départ :
When did you begin your career as an inspector?
A la 7è ligne tu devrais mettre le verbe "paraître : "you don't look as old as you say."
A la 8è ligne si j'ai bien compris tu devrais dire : "Of course, it is necessary for my job.
A la 9è ligne (The question is "Which one of your investigations,which is solved, are you the most proud?"(pour la question je ne suis pas sur demande un autre avis).
Attention car je pense que le 4è meurtre s'agit d'une femme donc "she".
Je pense que pour une histoire il faut que tu évites de te répéter comme "that"
tu peut aussi mettre "who" (une personne), "which"(un objet), "what" ou ne rien mettre réfère toi au cours correspondant.
Sinon ton histoire est intéressante (peut-être une suite sur les aventures de l'inspecteur^^)
Bonne continuation
INDISPENSABLES : 