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Pink elephant
Message de elii-se posté le 18-10-2008 à 21:49:37 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Il fallait commenter un texte, voici ma version, pourriez-vous s'il vous plait m'aider dans sa correction.
The moral is for me real because when you want more, you risk to lose all. For example, if you win with a game of chance, you can play again your winnings and lose all, you want more, you lose all. The hunter would just a little particularity extra. He can't satisfy with a normal elephant, he would a pink elephant even if he must use all of his forces to find an elephant who isn't essential. For me, it isn't until to have a things more beautiful but not more essential. The simple things are good too even if they aren't original. I prefer to have something which is good but not to have something which is fantastic but drive at bad things in my life. The hunter lose the better things of his life: his wife and his children. I don't have the same point of view that the hunter but if i was a hunter and in the same conditions that him, maybe I will try to find a pink elephant.
Merci.
Elise
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Modifié par lucile83 le 18-10-2008 23:56
Message de elii-se posté le 18-10-2008 à 21:49:37 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Il fallait commenter un texte, voici ma version, pourriez-vous s'il vous plait m'aider dans sa correction.
The moral is for me real because when you want more, you risk to lose all. For example, if you win with a game of chance, you can play again your winnings and lose all, you want more, you lose all. The hunter would just a little particularity extra. He can't satisfy with a normal elephant, he would a pink elephant even if he must use all of his forces to find an elephant who isn't essential. For me, it isn't until to have a things more beautiful but not more essential. The simple things are good too even if they aren't original. I prefer to have something which is good but not to have something which is fantastic but drive at bad things in my life. The hunter lose the better things of his life: his wife and his children. I don't have the same point of view that the hunter but if i was a hunter and in the same conditions that him, maybe I will try to find a pink elephant.
Merci.
Elise
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Modifié par lucile83 le 18-10-2008 23:56
Réponse: Pink elephant de liline26, postée le 19-10-2008 à 00:57:05 (S | E)
Alors elise voici ma correction (mais je suis loin de parler anglais couramment et c'est pas facile de restranscrire l'opinion de quelqu'un parce que je sais pas si c'est exactement ça que tu voulais dire donc désolé mais je pense qu'il reste quelques fautes mais bon ça pourra déja peut être t'aider)je t'ai mis en rose mes explications et je suis allée à la ligne à chaque fois pour que ça soit plus clair (mais bien entendu il faut lire les phrases à la suite) :
In my opinion, [=à mon avis c'est une formule que je te conseille de retenir avec "to my mind" qui veut dire la même chose, car en anglais "for me" ne se dit pas donc ces formules te serviront souvent]
the moral of the story is right because the more you want the more you take risks and might lose everything [--> c'est une formule en anglais pour dire "plus... plus..." tu dis "the more ... the more..."]
For example if someone win a game of chance they can throw in (= remettre en jeu) the winnings and lose everything. So in wanting more they finally lose everything. The hunter would only like [--> /!\ tu ne peux pas mettre "would" tout seul il faut un verbe avec (par contre je ne suis pas sur de la place de only)]
something different [je vois pas trop ce que tu as voulu dire ici par "a litlle particularity extra"?]
He can't be satisfied with a normal elephant, he would like a pink elephant even if he must use up his whole strength to find it although it is not something essential. I don't think it's useful [je ne sais pas exactement ce que tu as voulu dire ici parce que until=jusqu'à]
to have something [quelque chose = "something" pas "a thing"]
more beautiful when it's not essential. We also can appreciate simple things even if they aren't original. I prefer having something[et la suite j'ai pas du tout compris ce que tu voulais dire désolé. Essaye de la reformuler autrement]
The hunter lose the most important things [-->/!\ attention à la différence best/better : ici tu ne pourrais pas mettre the better things, il faudrait mettre best (best = superlatif = le meilleur; différent de "better" qui est un comparatif : tu l'utiliserais si tu comparais "his wife and his children" avec quelque chose) en règle général quand tu as "le" pense à utiliser le superlatif (comme ici "the most" et non pas "the more")]
I don't have the same point of view than [--> et non pas "that" quand tu compares deux choses (ici ton point de vue et celui de l'auteur)tu traduis "que" par "than"]
the hunter but if I were [je ne suis pas trés sur mais je crois que quand tu te mets à la place de quelqu'un il faut mettre "were" en tous cas on dit "if I were you"]
a hunter and in the same conditions than him, maybe I would [ici "would" car c'est du conditionnel et non pas "will" qui traduit le futur : quand il y a "if" pense à toujours mettre "would"] also try to find a pink elephant.
Voilà j'espère que ça t'aidera
(si il y a quelque chose de pas clair dans ce que je t'ai mis n'hésite pas à me demander) et que d'autres personnes viendront corriger mes fautes.. ciao!Réponse: Pink elephant de hoger, postée le 19-10-2008 à 09:20:57 (S | E)
liline26 a déjà fait les corrections les plus importantes ; voici quelques remarques supplémentaires :
- The hunter would only like
- Je confirme que le "only" est à la bonne place.
- He can't be satisfied with a normal elephant …
- Si j'ai bien compris ( j'ai à pau près les même problèmes que liline26 ), je suggère les changements suivants : « He isn't satisfied with a normal elephant, he wants to have a pink elephant, and he is ready to go to any length [ faire n'importe quoi, payer n'importe quel prix ] to get one although it shouldn't really be so important.
- For me …
- Désolé, à refaire ; je ne comprends pas grande chose non plus.
- the same point of view than / in the same conditions than him
- Attention ici : "same" implique une identité, "than" implique une différence. L'expression "the same … than" n'est donc pas possible. Ça doit être "the same … as".
Réponse: Pink elephant de elii-se, postée le 19-10-2008 à 11:48:51 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup pour vos aides et vos corrections, voici ce ma recorrection:
In my opinion, the moral of the story is right because the more you want the more you take risks and might lose everything.
For example if someone win a game of chance they can throw in the winnings and lose everything. So in wanting more they finally lose everything. The hunter would only like something different
[je vois pas trop ce que tu as voulu dire ici par "a litlle particularity extra"? j’ai voulu dire une particularité de plus.]
He isn't satisfied with a normal elephant, he wants to have a pink elephant, and he is ready to go to any to get one although it shouldn't really be so important.
I don't think it's useful to have something.
more beautiful when it's not essential. We also can appreciate simple things even if they aren't original.
I prefer to have something which is good but not to have something which is fantastic but drive at bad things in my life. [J’ai voulu dire : je préfère avoir qqch de bien et me sentir bien avec ça plutôt que d’avoir qqch de fantastique qui conduira a de mauvaises choses dans ma vie]
The hunter lose the most important things of his life: his wife and his children.
I don't have the same point of view as the hunter but if I were a hunter and in the same conditions than him, maybe I would also try to find a pink elephant.
Merci Elise
Réponse: Pink elephant de elii-se, postée le 19-10-2008 à 17:50:25 (S | E)
personne ?
Réponse: Pink elephant de cecilward, postée le 20-10-2008 à 13:24:21 (S | E)
Hi Elise,
"something different" - there's nothing wrong with this, but I'm not entirely clear here. Do you perhaps mean "something more"? or "something extra"?. Or "something special"?
Some authors prefer "that" to introduce 'defining' relative clauses rather than "which", but many some people have no preference.
(1) The old clock that your brother gave to me.
(2) The old clock which your brother gave to me.
(3) The old clock, which had stopped working long ago, was sold when they retired.
I personally feel very slightly less comfortable with (2) than (1). On the other hand, I would not feel comfortable with substituting "that" into (3), which contains an which-clause that is a comment and is not 'defining' (it does not define the type of clock or select one of several possible clocks).
- *"but drive at" - is ungrammatical - perhaps you need "leads to" or "would lead to" - "something fantastic but (which) would lead to bad things". ("leads to" is metaphorical - a path or a journey along a path to a resulting situation.). Somehow the addition of which after "but" makes it easier for me to read/say.
The use of "would" is perhaps better than "fantastic but (which) leads to", and this matches the French irrealis verb form in the original.
- *"the hunter lose" -> "loses" (3per sing) unless you meant "will lose"
also
- *"if someone win a game" -> "wins"
INDISPENSABLES : 