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Correction /Tanzania
Message de rokili posté le 15-02-2010 à 11:53:55 (S | E | F)
Bonjour(s),
Pourriez-vous me corriger le résumé (ci-dessous)que j'ai fait d'un texte étudié en classe.
Merci d'avance.
THe story is set in Tanzania now days. Four characters are involved an indian family and Mr.Velji a former of the school. He must be fairly old. The indian family comes to ask from him advice. She began by giving her history ; she had raised her kids when our father died.
Now one of these sons goes to the university and the other one want go there America,it’s her dream. But the mother has a lot of money to meet their needs, they need of a bursary ? Velji is ready to help them beacause Aloo in an excellent file. But in last time Mr.Velji changes his opinion because is afraid that the mother feels alone, and that Aloo feel lost in this far place. finally they walked back home, the mother is silent and Aloo is very hungry he doesnt undersant this decision. The same evening Aloo showed the catalogue of university, where he dreamed go. Because her mother had never seen the catalogue.
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Modifié par bridg le 15-02-2010 13:07
titre distinctif
Message de rokili posté le 15-02-2010 à 11:53:55 (S | E | F)
Bonjour
Pourriez-vous me corriger le résumé (ci-dessous)que j'ai fait d'un texte étudié en classe.
Merci d'avance.
THe story is set in Tanzania now days. Four characters are involved an indian family and Mr.Velji a former of the school. He must be fairly old. The indian family comes to ask from him advice. She began by giving her history ; she had raised her kids when our father died.
Now one of these sons goes to the university and the other one want go there America,it’s her dream. But the mother has a lot of money to meet their needs, they need of a bursary ? Velji is ready to help them beacause Aloo in an excellent file. But in last time Mr.Velji changes his opinion because is afraid that the mother feels alone, and that Aloo feel lost in this far place. finally they walked back home, the mother is silent and Aloo is very hungry he doesnt undersant this decision. The same evening Aloo showed the catalogue of university, where he dreamed go. Because her mother had never seen the catalogue.
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Modifié par bridg le 15-02-2010 13:07
titre distinctif
Réponse: Correction /Tanzania de laure95, postée le 15-02-2010 à 14:37:55 (S | E)
Bonjour,
Voici ce que tu dois corriger:
THe story is set in Tanzania now days (nowadays). Four characters are involved (mettre 2 points) an indian family and Mr.Velji a former ? of the school. He must be fairly old. The indian family
Now one of these (mettre 1 possessif) sons goes to
Réponse: Correction /Tanzania de brettdallen, postée le 15-02-2010 à 14:51:06 (S | E)
Bonjour,
J'ajouterais "Indian"(majuscule à l'initiale pour tous les mots, adjectifs et noms se rapportant à un pays.). Vous introduisez un personnage féminin ("she") sans l'avoir préalablement désigné ! De plus, le mot "history" s'applique plutôt à l'histoire d'un peuple/d'une nation(l'histoire avec un grand H, comme on dit.): préférez "story".
L'ensemble est néanmoins correct(cela dépend de votre niveau d'étude, bien sûr).
Amicalement.
Réponse: Correction /Tanzania de rokili, postée le 15-02-2010 à 23:13:06 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup pour vos reponse voici ma correction:
The story is set in Tanzania nowadays. Four characters are involved: an Indian family and Mr.Velji a administrator of the school. He must be fairly old. The indian family ask him some advice. The mother of family began by telling her story ; she had raised her kids when their father died.
Now one of these sons goes to university and the other one Aloo wants to go to America,it’s her dream. But their mother hasn’t a lot of money to meet their needs, they need a bursary, Velji is ready to help them because Aloo has a very good result at the final exam. But at the last time Mr.Velji changes his opinion because he is afraid that their mother could feel alone, and that Aloo could feel angered he doesn’t understant this decision. The same evening Aloo show the catalogue of the university, where he dream to go. her mother had never seen the catalogue of the university.
Que faut-il encore corriger?
Merci!
Réponse: Correction /Tanzania de brettdallen, postée le 16-02-2010 à 00:22:13 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
The story is set in Tanzania nowadays. Four characters are involved(j'avoue que quelque chose ne va pas. "The characters are the members of an Indian family and Mr Velji, a school adminitrator who must be fairly old."): an Indian family and Mr.Velji a administrator of the school. He must be fairly old. The indian family ask(au présent?) him some advice. The mother
Now one of these("her") sons goes to university and the other one Aloo(vous dites "the other one", donc c'est un garçon, alors pourquoi écrivez-vous "her" un peu plus loin?)) wants to go to America,it’s her dream. But their mother hasn’t(got) a lot of(on s'en doute un peu, "enough") money to meet their needs,( . ) they need a bursary("grant"),("and") Velji is ready to help them because Aloo has(forme à revoir : c'est passé! + choisissez un autre verbe : "obtenir") a very good result(s) at the final exam. But at the last time("finalement"? "eventually") Mr.Velji changes his opinion because he is afraid that their mother could("should") feel alone("lonely"), and that Aloo could feel angered he doesn’t understant(à reformuler, plus simplement)("understanD") this decision. The same evening Aloo show(présent? d'accord mais 3ème personne du singulier) the catalogue of the university, where he dream to go. her mother had never seen the catalogue of the university(répétition un peu maladroite).
Il faut faire un choix : présent ou passé? moi, je pense que comme vous racontez une histoire un peu à la manière d'une intrigue, le présent est tout à fait acceptable. Vous devez cependant éviter les allers-retours présent-passé, ou, dans tous les cas, être vigileant et ne pas rompre le fil.
Amicalement.
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Modifié par brettdallen le 16-02-2010 00:47
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