Traduction/Expressions

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Traduction/Expressions
Message de littleteacher posté le 30-10-2012 à 17:13:17 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,

Je suis en train de travailler sur une traduction non-notée que j'ai à faire dans le cadre de mes études d'anglais. Après de nombreuses recherches, certaines expressions me paraissent toujours encore impossibles à traduire.
Voici quelques phrases qui me posent particulièrement problème::

Je relève le col de mon pardessus, enfonce les mains dans mes poches, et le corps ramassé, marche d'un bon pas en direction de la gare.
"I put up (pull up?) the collar of my overcoat, push/stick my hands in/into? my pockets and my body squat, stride along toward the train station. "
Je n'aime pas "my body squat" mais c'est tout ce que j'ai trouvé, idem pour stride along.

"I soothe/ alleviate my slight anxiety by opening my fists, throwing my head back, reminding myself that it's Sunday today, that I won't have to work and that I'll take the train to (go?) be close to her."
J'apaise ma légère angoisse en ouvrant mes poings, en rejetant la tête en arrière, en me rappelant qu'on est dimanche, que je n'aurai pas à travailler, et que je vais prendre le train pour me rendre auprès d'elle.
Je trouve que la phrase est trop longue mais je ne sais pas si je dois la couper. Je trouve que le début sonne trop français, et que la fin n'est pas assez claire.

"j'arrive toujours largement en avance."
"I always arrive well in advance."
Ca sent le calque, et je n'aime pas ça. Y-a-t-il de meilleures alternatives?

"Une dizaine de clochards, dont deux femmes"
"Around ten/ About ten panhandlers, two of whom are women"

Frigorifiés, tête basse, ne parlant pas.
Ici, j'ai un problème de verbe. Il faut en rajouter en anglais.
"They are frozen stiff, their heads low, and their aren't speaking."

"At a distance/ From a distance/ From afar, I watch them for quite a while/ quite some time with a brotherly gaze.
("quite..." sounds too British, are there American equivalents to this expression?)
Their faces, for all of them (= all of their faces, but I need the subject to be "all"), were almost as dark as their hats. I didn't realize whether the one (=panhandler) I know is among/ amongst them."
"A distance, je les observe un long moment, d'un regard fraternel. Leurs visages, à tous, presque aussi noirs que leurs chapeaux. Je ne puis me rendre compte si celui que je connais se trouve parmi eux."

Ces deux phrases sont, selon moi, les plus difficiles, surtout la partie "leurs visages, à tous".
Je serai très reconnaissante à tous ceux qui m'apporteraient des suggestions quant aux traductions possibles ou me signaleraient des erreurs.
Merci beaucoup!

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Modifié par lucile83 le 30-10-2012 19:11

Réponse: Traduction/Expressions de sherry48, postée le 30-10-2012 à 20:43:34 (S | E)
Hello.

Here are my thoughts on your sentences, although others might have different opinions...In general, what you have is OK, and I have merely suggested which one sounds most 'authentic' to my ear.

"I put up (pull up?) the collar of my overcoat, push/stick my hands in/into? my pockets and my body squat (I think the sense is hunch up, rather than squat), stride along toward the train station.

"I soothe/ alleviate my slight anxiety by opening my fists, throwing my head back (phrasal verb-better not separated?), reminding myself that it's Sunday today, that I won't have to work and that I'll (near future?) take the train to (go?) be close to her."

"I always arrive well in advance." ahead of time? There are other possibilities too.

"Around ten/ About ten panhandlers, two of whom are women"
"They are frozen stiff, their heads low, and their aren't speaking."...heads lowered, heads bowed? not speaking?

"At a distance/ From a distance/ From afar, I watch them for quite a while/ quite some time with a brotherly gaze.
Quite a while sounds OK, or you can also say 'for some time'
Their faces, for all of them (= all of their faces, but I need the subject to be "all"), were almost as dark as their hats. I didn't realize/I "can't tell" whether the one (=panhandler) I know is among/ amongst them." or All of their faces were...
Sherry

Réponse: Traduction/Expressions de littleteacher, postée le 30-10-2012 à 22:50:21 (S | E)
Hello sherry48
Thank you very much for your help!

I apologize for having made such a basic mistake in this sentence "They are frozen stiff, their heads low, and their aren't speaking."
Of course, it should be "and they aren't speaking."
Thanks for pointing it out!
I really like all of your suggestions and I'll use them in the final version of my translation.

I'll post the end of my translation in a new topic called "Expressions 2" as soon as I'm done with it.
Thanks to you, I'm sure it'll turn out great

Réponse: Traduction/Expressions de lucile83, postée le 30-10-2012 à 23:01:04 (S | E)
Hello,

Merci de continuer votre topic actuel pour poster la suite.
Vous postez un nouveau topic uniquement si vous changez de sujet.

Réponse: Traduction/Expressions de littleteacher, postée le 31-10-2012 à 11:43:25 (S | E)
Hello again,

Happy Halloween!

I'm finally done with my translation. The second part was much harder! Could you please help me proofread my sentences?

Thank you very much

*dont deux femmes, debout, en cercle, dans un angle de la salle des pas perdus.
Should I say "in a corner of the concourse" or "around a corner of the concourse"?

*In the car, the overheated atmosphere is turning my stomach.
Dans le wagon, l'atmosphère surchauffée me lève le coeur.

*I get into an empty compartment and lower/ pull down? the window.
J'entre dans un compartiment vide et baisse la vitre.

*I'm happy to be on my own and to be able to relax.
Heureux d'être seul, de pouvoir me détendre.

*It's only been five weeks since I've last seen her (revue?) but when the train moves off/ sets off/ pulls away, happiness and eagerness are suffocating me.
Il n'y a guère que cinq semaines que je ne l'ai revue, mais lorsque le train s'ébranle, la joie et l'impatience me suffoquent. The last part of that sentence is particularly tricky. There's something wrong with my translation, but I don't know what. It just sounds off.

*Slowly, the sun rises (or should it be the sun rises slowly?) but a very thick fog (ugh, very thick sounds odd) prevents me from seeing anything.
Lentement, le jour se lève, mais un brouillard très dense m'empêche de rien voir.

*The train sets off again. After a few seconds, a young guy pushes the door open, dragging a cumbersome bag. (The French sentence is much too long.)
I take/grab it and put it on the seat.
Le train repart. Après quelques secondes, un jeune gars pousse la porte, traînant un sac encombrant, je m'en saisis et le pose sur la banquette.

*He's Swedish--about twenty years old--but he speaks good French and he starts telling me about his trip. (I don't like the first part of my sentence.)
Une vingtaine d'années, suédois, mais il parle bien le français, et il se met à me raconter son voyage.

*He comes back from a long hitch-hiking trek/ journey in the Middle East and I listen to him carefully and with interest.
The first part of the sentence sounds odd because of all the nouns and adjectives, and the last part last "synergy".
Il rentre d'un long périple en auto-stop au Moyen-Orient, et je l'écoute avec attention et intérêt.

*I admire/ My heart goes out to? these boys who, backpack on their shoulders and having only a more than meager budget, had the courage to throw themselves at random on the roads.
That sentence just sounds wrong. The passage starting with "who" is awkward, and the end of the sentence doesn't really make sense. The dictionary wasn't able to get me out of that tight spot.
Mon admiration pour ces garçons qui, sac au dos et munis d'un plus que maigre pécule, ont le courage de se lancer au hasard sur les routes.

*It's important to know that the most difficult things aren't the very harsh conditions of the trip, but the anxiety one feels when left alone and penniless hundreds of miles away from home.

I think the end of my sentence is okay, but the beginning could use some tweaking.
Il convient que le plus difficile, ce ne sont pas les circonstances très dures du voyage, mais l'angoisse qu'on éprouve à se retrouver seul et désargenté à des milliers de kilomètres de chez soi.

Phew, that's it!

I hope someone will be able to help me out!

Thank you very much for reading this topic.

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