Correction /lettre motivation

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Correction /lettre motivation
Message de lionceau2 posté le 03-01-2013 à 10:44:19 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,

Voici ma lettre de motivation pour effectuer un stage chez Facebook pour répondre à cette offre de stage : internmatch .com/company/facebook/roles/software-engineer-intern . Que pensez vous de la lettre de motivation ? S'il vous plait pouvez vous me dire où sont mes erreurs d'expression ?
My name and postal information
January 3 2013,
Facebook
Recruiter
Menlo Park, CA, 94025
OBJECT :
To seek Internship software development C++/Java , Security/Cryptography in San Francisco from June to August 2013 Software Engineer.

Dear Recruiter,
Currently I am student in one master of computer science with the French engineering university « 3iL »(City : xxx, country : France). Moreover in summer 2012 I have received the Upper-intermediate level Certificate in English language program at Berkeley.
I am passionate about new technology and I like the creativity and the innovation. It 's the first raison why I would like to do one internship in Facebook.

I am rigorous, organized, I have one capacity to adaptation, I learn faster and I like work by myself as I like the teamwork and I am a good worker.
As you can see in my résumé I am proficient in the technical skills Merise, UML and I am proficient with the languages C#, PHP, Java/J2EE and highly proficient in C++ and proficient with the DBMS : Microsoft Access, Oracle(PL/SQL) and highly proficient for video editing with Magix video 2010 .
As you can see in my portfolio on my website, I have made in 2012 with C++, "The longer word - French TV game", the software gives you 9 letters and you must find one word with the 9 letters. The software also provide the solution. Moreover in 2011 with C++, I have made one labyrinth and the software finds the best way to go from the start to the finish in a labyrinth.
I love San Francisco and I would like do one internship in facebook to make new product for june to august 2013. I will be very happy to receive one email or one call from you to say than I am really motivated to do this internship in Facebook.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Fxxxx

Merci pour vos conseils et votre aide.
Cordialement,
Lionceau

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Modifié par lucile83 le 03-01-2013 17:55
Mise en forme standard

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de alexami, postée le 03-01-2013 à 14:30:18 (S | E)
Bonjour,

Juste un petit conseil, il faudrait moins de détails dans le plus long paragraphe, tu peux le détailler dans ton cv.
Une lettre succincte est des plus efficaces.

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lucile83, postée le 03-01-2013 à 18:05:57 (S | E)
Hello,

Des infos ici:
Lien internet

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lionceau2, postée le 06-01-2013 à 21:53:09 (S | E)
Bonjour ,

Excusez moi , Je pensais avoir cliqué sur enregistrer ma réponse et pas sur envoyer la réponse .
Pourquoi je ne voulais pas envoyer la réponse ? Car avant de répondre de répondre à Lucile83 et Alexami , je voulais prendre le temps de voir les lettres de motivation sur le site ( C'était le conseil de Lucile83)
Donc vous pourrez voir cette semaine ma réponse et je supprime ma réponse qui a été posté par erreur.
Je remercie Lucile83 et Alexami pour vos réponses/conseils et votre aide

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lucile83, postée le 06-01-2013 à 22:14:34 (S | E)
OK, pas de problème.

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lionceau2, postée le 11-01-2013 à 22:57:16 (S | E)
Bonjour,

Les modifications ont été effectuées;que pensez-vous de cette nouvelle lettre de motivation ?
Merci pour vos critiques/remarques/conseils.

January 11 2013,
Facebook
Recruiter
Menlo Park, CA, 94025
OBJECT :
To seek Internship software development C++/Java , Security/Cryptography in San Francisco from June to August 2013 Software Engineer.

Dear Sir or Madam,

Currently I am a student in the fourth year of my masters one of computer science at the French engineering school « 3iL »(City : xxx, country : France). Moreover in summer 2012 I received the Upper-intermediate level Certificate in English language at Berkeley.
I am passionate about new technology and I like creativity and innovation and this is the first reason why I am writing to you to apply for the position of XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I would define myself as someone who show initiative, who is rigorous, reliable, organized, adaptable, and I learn quickly and I like working by myself and equally I like working in a team.
As you can see from my résumé I am proficient in technical skills such as Merise, UML and I am also proficient with the languages C#, PHP, Java/J2EE and I am familiar with C++ and with the DBMS : Microsoft Access, Oracle(PL/SQL) and very good at video editing with Magix video 2010 .
As you can see in my portfolio on my website, I have made in 2012 with C++, "The longer word - French TV game", the software gives you 9 letters and you must find one word with the 9 letters. The software also provide the solution. Moreover in 2011 with C++, I have made one labyrinth and the software finds the best way to go from the start to the finish in a labyrinth.
I believe my qualifications would match your requirements
I am strongly motivated to do an internship at facebook from june to august 2013.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
I look forward to hearing from you.I am looking forward to hering from you
Sincerely,
Fxxxx

Merci pour vos conseils et votre aide.
Cordialement,
Lionceau

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Modifié par lucile83 le 11-01-2013 23:15

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Modifié par lionceau2 le 12-01-2013 11:38

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lionceau2, postée le 15-01-2013 à 00:27:14 (S | E)
Bonjour,

J'ai refait ma lettre de motivation.
S'il vous plait , que pensez-vous de ma lettre de motivation ?
Merci pour votre avis.

My name and postal information
January 15 2013,
Facebook
Recruiter
Menlo Park, CA, 94025

Dear Hiring Manager,

Please consider this letter and my attached resume to apply for a 2013 summer internship position in software development C++/Java PHP at San Francisco.I choice to do my internship in Facebook because Facebook makes lots of very good softwares and all the Facebook 's intern recommend to do an internship at Facebook to me. Thus,I am very motivated to work with the best social network, Facebook.

I am currently preparing the fourth year of a masters one in computer science at the French engineering school « 3iL » in Limoges , France. In the school I am also the representative student of the university for creating company and organization partnering . Outside the school i am treasurer of a blood donation organization. These positions have helped me become very organized to build some projects.
I am fond of new technology and I am very creative and innovative when i have to run projects. I can define myself as someone who show initiative, who is rigorous, reliable, organized and adaptable. I am also a fast learner who likes working by myself and equally with others on a team.
As you can see from my resume i am proficient with the C++ and Java, PHP and CSS. Moreover, as prooved in my portfolio I have designed some websites and worked on some softwares and video games for 3 years.

I believe my qualifications and experience would match your requirements
I am strongly motivated to work for facebook for this summer.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
I look forward to hear from you.

Best regards,,
Fxxxx

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lionceau2, postée le 20-01-2013 à 12:47:57 (S | E)
Pas de réponse ?

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de bluestar, postée le 20-01-2013 à 16:00:10 (S | E)
Bonjour....

Facebook
Manager Human Resources
Recruiter
Menlo Park, CA, 94025

Dear Sir Hiring Manager,

Please consider this letter and my attached resume I enclose my CV and wish to apply for a 2013 summer internship position in software development C++/Java PHP at San Francisco.I choice (verbe pas nom) to do my internship in Facebook because Facebook makes ~~lots of~~ very good softwares and all the Facebook 's intern(pluriel) recommend to do an internship at Facebook to me. Thus,I am very motivated to work with the best social network, Facebook.

I am currently preparing the fourth year of a Mmasters Degree ~~one~~ in Ccomputer Sscience at the French engineering school « 3iL » in Limoges , France. In the school I am also the representative student of the university for creating company and organization partnering . Outside the school i (majuscule) am treasurer of a blood donation organization. These positions have helped me become very organized to build some projects.
I am fond of new technology and I am very creative and innovative when i (majuscule) have to run projects. I can ~~define myself as someone who~~ show initiative, who is and am rigorous, reliable, organized and adaptable. I am also a fast learner who likes working by myself and equally with others on a team.
As you can see from my resume i(maj.) am proficient with the C++ and Java, PHP and CSS. Moreover, as prooved (orth. -- but there is a better word), in my portfolio I have designed some websites and worked on some softwares and video games for 3 years.

I believe my qualifications and experience would match your requirements
I am strongly motivated to work for Ffacebook ~~for~~ this summer.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
I look forward to hear (verbe-ing) from you.

Best regards,,(inappropriate..il faut 'yours faithfully')
Fxxxx

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lionceau2, postée le 22-01-2013 à 20:06:07 (S | E)
Bonjour,

Aujourd'hui j'ai fait relire par ma professeur d'anglais cette lettre.
Grace à ses conseils et à ton aide voici ma nouvelle lettre de motivation :

My name and postal information on this line

January 22 01 2013,

Facebook
Manager Human Ressource
Menlo Park, CA, 94025

Dear Personel Manager,

I am applying for a summer internship position in software development C++/Java PHP at San Francisco.Please find attached my resume.I have chosen to apply my internship at Facebook because Facebook makes lots of good software and all Facebook 's interns recommend me to apply for an internship at Facebook. Thus,I am very motivated to work with the best social network organisation Facebook.

I am currently preparing the fourth year of a Masters one in Computer Science at the French engineering school « 3iL » in Limoges , France. In the school I am also the representative student of the university for creating companies and organizations partnering. Outside the school I am treasurer of a blood donation organization. These positions have helped me become very organized in building project.
I am fond of new technology and I am very creative and innovative when I have to run projects. I can define myself as someone who show initiative, who is rigorous, reliable, organized and adaptable. I am also a fast learner who likes working by myself and equally with others on a team.
As you can see from my resume I am proficient with the C++ and Java, PHP and CSS. Moreover, as prooved by my portfolio I have designed some websites and worked on some software and video games for 3 years.

I believe my qualifications and experience would match your requirements
I am strongly motivated to work for Facebook this summer.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
I look forward to hear from you.

Kind regards,
Fxxxx

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lionceau2, postée le 22-01-2013 à 23:54:28 (S | E)
Quel est le mieux ?

Dear Personnel Manager,
Dear Manager Human Ressource
Dear Managing Director
Dear Human Resources Manager

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de bluestar, postée le 23-01-2013 à 11:17:42 (S | E)
Hello,

Facebook
Manager Human Ressources
Menlo Park, CA, 94025

Dear Personel Manager Sir,

I am applying for a summer internship position in software development C++/Java PHP at San Francisco.Please find attached my resume.I have chosen to apply my internship at Facebook because Facebook makes lots of good software and all Facebook 's interns recommend me to apply for an internship at Facebook. Thus,I am very motivated to work with the best social network organisation Facebook.

I am currently preparing the fourth year of a Masters one Degree in Computer Science at the French Eengineering Sschool « 3iL » in Limoges , France. In the school I am also the representative student of the university for creating companies and organizations partnering. Outside the school I am treasurer of a blood donation organization. These positions have helped me become very organized in building projects.
I am fond of new technology and I am very creative and innovative when I have to run projects. I can define myself as someone who show initiative, who is rigorous, reliable, organized and adaptable. I am also a fast learner who likes working by myself and equally with others on a team.
As you can see from my resume I am proficient with the C++ and Java, PHP and CSS. Moreover, as prooved(wrong spelling and wrong word) by my portfolio I have designed some websites and worked on some software and video games for 3 years.

I believe my qualifications and experience would match your requirements
I am strongly motivated to work for Facebook this summer.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
I look forward to hear from you.

Kind regards,
Fxxxx

Facebook themselves use the expression HR Manager, meaning "Human Resources".You should do the same. Sending "kind regards" to someone you don't know is inappropriate.Play safe and write "yours faithfully" or even "Best regards"...The form "I can define myself as someone.."
is clumsy...It would be simpler to write "I have initiative and am rigorous etc."

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Modifié par bluestar le 23-01-2013 11:21

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Modifié par lucile83 le 23-01-2013 18:51
Bug police réparé

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de sherry48, postée le 23-01-2013 à 17:09:28 (S | E)
Hello.
I have a few minor additions to bluestar's corrections.
I am applying for a summer internship position in software development C++/Java PHP at San Francisco.
I have chosen to apply __ (preposition)my/an internship at Facebook because Facebook makes lots of good software and [all Facebook 's interns recommend me to apply for an internship at Facebook]. or...because of the recommendation... So, I am very motivated to work with/for Facebook, the best social network organisation ~~Facebook~~.

~~In the school~~ I am also the representative student (I would use representative as the noun)of the university for creating companies and organizations partnerships?. or...to create partnerships between the university and...
Outside of ~~the~~ school I am treasurer of a blood donation organization.
I am also a fast learner who likes working by myself and equally with others on a team. or.. am able to work alone or as part of a team

I look forward to hear__ from you.
Sherry
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Modifié par sherry48 le 23-01-2013 17:10

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lionceau2, postée le 23-01-2013 à 22:30:52 (S | E)
Hello,

Thank you for your help.
~~That is~~ is that good? I am applying for a summer internship position in software development C++/Java PHP at in in San Francisco.
This cover letter is for an internship for the company 's Facebook

Dear Personnel Manager,

I am applying for a summer internship position in software development C++/Java PHP at San Francisco.Please find attached my resume.I have chosen to apply for an internship at Facebook because Facebook makes lots of good software and all Facebook 's interns recommend me to apply for an internship at Facebook. Thus,I am very motivated to work with the best social network organisation Facebook.

I am currently preparing the fourth year of a Masters one in Computer Science at the French engineering school « 3iL » in Limoges , France. I am also the representative student to create partnership between the school and the companies and organizations. Outside of school I am treasurer of a blood donation organization. These positions have helped me become very organized in building project.
I am fond of new technology and I am very creative and innovative when I have to run projects. I can define myself as someone who show initiative, who is rigorous, reliable, organized and adaptable. I am also a fast learner who likes working by myself and equally with others on a team.
As you can see from my resume I am proficient with the C++ and Java, PHP and CSS. Moreover, as prooved by my portfolio I have designed some websites and worked on some software and video games for 3 years.

I believe my qualifications and experience would match your requirements
I am strongly motivated to work for Facebook this summer.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
I look forward to hear from you.

Kind regards,

Thank you for your help

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 24-01-2013 08:52

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de sherry48, postée le 23-01-2013 à 22:44:32 (S | E)
Hello.
You can work at Facebook or for Facebook, in the city of San Francisco.
There are still other things suggested by bluestar or myself that you haven't fixed. For example, the word prooved does not exist.
Sherry

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lionceau2, postée le 24-01-2013 à 23:09:01 (S | E)
Hello,

What is the best word to replace prove?
demonstrate? reveal ? show ?
Are you sure than "Dear Sir " is better than "Dear Personnel Manager,"?
Because Sir is only for a man... Then for a formal letter I can I write "Dear Sir, Madam,"?
Can I say " I am fond of new technology and am very creative and"?
or "I am fond of new technology and I am very creative and"?
Thank you for your help.
Florian

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Modifié par lucile83 le 25-01-2013 07:35
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Modifié par lionceau2 le 25-01-2013 07:38

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de bluestar, postée le 25-01-2013 à 10:52:11 (S | E)
Hello..

"As shown by my portfolio...." (not 'proved')

It would be advisable to find out the name of the HR Manager and use this to address the letter. Then you could begin "Dear Mr. XXXX"; this would make a better impression than "Dear Sir or Madam". Try looking at the Facebook website for this information, or even telephone them in California if your English is good enough..

"I am very interested in new technology and very creative..etc." would be better. "Fond of" is too bland.

Good luck!

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lionceau2, postée le 25-01-2013 à 20:26:23 (S | E)
Hello,

How ~~i can~~ can I finish a formal cover letter ?
I have written :

I believe my qualifications and experience would match your requirements
I am strongly motivated to work for Facebook this summer.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
I look forward to hearing from you.

finish a formal cover letter :
It 's better with :

My qualifications and experience should match your requirements and I am strongly motivated to work for Facebook this summer.
I look forward to discussing my skills, competencies and values in greater detail with you
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Yours faithfully,

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Modifié par lucile83 le 25-01-2013 21:05

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de bluestar, postée le 25-01-2013 à 21:22:40 (S | E)
Hello...

I believe my qualifications and experience would match your requirements. OK
I am strongly motivated to work for Facebook this summer.No
Thank you for your time and consideration. No
I look forward to hearing from you.OK

Your motivation will be taken for granted (that is why you're writing to them)
You don't need to thank them for their time and consideration (that is over-polite).
We haven't seen your CV. Make sure it has no "gaps" in it, no period of time not accounted for. If it has , it will look like you're hiding something!

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lionceau2, postée le 27-01-2013 à 15:28:14 (S | E)
~~Why 2 times my answer was deleted ?~~
Hello,
Why was my answer deleted twice? Can you tell me please?

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Modifié par lucile83 le 27-01-2013 15:35
We don't accept CV or cover letters through a link which does not respect your anonymity.
Please read your private messages.
Thank you.

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lionceau2, postée le 27-01-2013 à 15:40:49 (S | E)
Thank you Lucile83 for your messages.

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lionceau2, postée le 27-01-2013 à 15:42:40 (S | E)
Hello,
This is not personal :

~~I can~~ Can I write this to finish my cover letter?
I would welcome an opportunity to discuss this position and my qualifications with you in person. I can be reached at [phone number] or at [email]. I look forward to sharing more of my background with you.

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Modifié par lucile83 le 27-01-2013 15:45
OK...

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lionceau2, postée le 27-01-2013 à 23:27:40 (S | E)
then what do you think about that ?

Réponse: Correction /lettre motivation de lucile83, postée le 28-01-2013 à 09:06:06 (S | E)
Hello,

I would be glad to have the opportunity to meet you.
Please find here my phone number: xxx
and my e-mail address: xxx
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully.
xxx (name)

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