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Message de majicb75 posté le 23-01-2013 à 02:47:47 (S | E | F)
Hi,
I need your help to improve my writing for an English test that I have topass take this Thursday. I would appreciate it if you could correct my mistakes and let me know what you think of my report. If it’s possible, I would like to have an idea of the grade you would gave me if you were my evaluator.
Thank you very much for your time.
The Director of Youth Protection is involved in John Smith’s family following a report of misconduct and aggressive behaviors. It was reported that his mother feels overwhelmed and needs help. Police officers have been called to John’s house at three occasions. Every time, it was following a dispute between him and his mother.
John is a 16 years old boy who lives with his mother. His parents divorced when he was 6 and he’s been living with his mother since then. His father lives in another city and they have regular phone contacts. His parents don’t get along and they have frequent disputes about the way they raise their son. His mother thinks that his father is too permissive and his father thinks his mother is too strict. This causes many conflicts between John and his mother because she often refuses something that his father already agreed on. The last time the police intervened, was following a dispute, where John’s father promised him an X-Box but didn’t bought it. He blamed his mother for it. John took his anger at his mother and tried to hit her. Fearing for her life, she called the police. John was taken to the police station and released with promises to keep peace.
John, following the incident, didn’t take any responsibilities for his actions. He thinks that it’s his mother’s fault and she over exaggerated. His mother thinks that John needs to learn to respect her. Their relationship is tense and they hardly speak to each other. John doesn’t want anything to do with his mother and wants to go live with his father. His father lives with his parents and doesn’t have room for him.
For our assessment, we conducted interviews with John and his parents. His mother recognizes that sometime, she can be strict and doesn’t gives John space to help him develop his autonomy. John used to have a great bond with his mother but now, they don’t get along. His mother thinks that she smothered him too much and now he needs to develop his own identity.
His father thinks that he contributed to the fact that his son doesn’t get along with his mother. He thinks that sometime he undermines her authority. He recognizes that he needs to help John’s mother to better establish her authority.
Our assessment of the situation is that John needs to learn some boundaries and respect his mother’s authority. His mother needs to find a way to set John’s limit while allowing him to develop his own identity. We think that his father needs to set his son more limits and to be more respectful of his mother.
Following our assessment:
We recommend that John attends an anger management class
We recommend that a Youth worker be involved with the family in order to help them improve the way they communicate.
We recommend that help and assistance be provided to the family
We recommend one year follow-up by a Youth Protection delegate.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 23-01-2013 07:16
Message de majicb75 posté le 23-01-2013 à 02:47:47 (S | E | F)
Hi,
I need your help to improve my writing for an English test that I have to
Thank you very much for your time.
The Director of Youth Protection is involved in John Smith’s family following a report of misconduct and aggressive behaviors. It was reported that his mother feels overwhelmed and needs help. Police officers have been called to John’s house at three occasions. Every time, it was following a dispute between him and his mother.
John is a 16 years old boy who lives with his mother. His parents divorced when he was 6 and he’s been living with his mother since then. His father lives in another city and they have regular phone contacts. His parents don’t get along and they have frequent disputes about the way they raise their son. His mother thinks that his father is too permissive and his father thinks his mother is too strict. This causes many conflicts between John and his mother because she often refuses something that his father already agreed on. The last time the police intervened, was following a dispute, where John’s father promised him an X-Box but didn’t bought it. He blamed his mother for it. John took his anger at his mother and tried to hit her. Fearing for her life, she called the police. John was taken to the police station and released with promises to keep peace.
John, following the incident, didn’t take any responsibilities for his actions. He thinks that it’s his mother’s fault and she over exaggerated. His mother thinks that John needs to learn to respect her. Their relationship is tense and they hardly speak to each other. John doesn’t want anything to do with his mother and wants to go live with his father. His father lives with his parents and doesn’t have room for him.
For our assessment, we conducted interviews with John and his parents. His mother recognizes that sometime, she can be strict and doesn’t gives John space to help him develop his autonomy. John used to have a great bond with his mother but now, they don’t get along. His mother thinks that she smothered him too much and now he needs to develop his own identity.
His father thinks that he contributed to the fact that his son doesn’t get along with his mother. He thinks that sometime he undermines her authority. He recognizes that he needs to help John’s mother to better establish her authority.
Our assessment of the situation is that John needs to learn some boundaries and respect his mother’s authority. His mother needs to find a way to set John’s limit while allowing him to develop his own identity. We think that his father needs to set his son more limits and to be more respectful of his mother.
Following our assessment:
We recommend that John attends an anger management class
We recommend that a Youth worker be involved with the family in order to help them improve the way they communicate.
We recommend that help and assistance be provided to the family
We recommend one year follow-up by a Youth Protection delegate.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 23-01-2013 07:16
Réponse: John's case/correction de brettdallen, postée le 23-01-2013 à 03:25:41 (S | E)
Hello,
I'll just take a look and tell you what can be modified.
The Director of Youth Protection is involved in John Smith’s family following a report of misconduct and aggressive behaviors. It was reported that his mother feels overwhelmed and needs help. Police officers have been called to John’s house at wrong preposition three occasions. Every time, it was following a dispute between him and his mother.
John is a 16 years old boy who lives with his mother. His parents divorced when he was 6 and he’s been living with his mother since then. His father lives in another city and they have regular phone contacts. His parents don’t get along well and they have frequent disputes about the way they raise their son. His mother thinks that his father is too permissive and his father thinks his mother is too strict. This causes many conflicts between John and his mother because she often refuses something that his father (has) already agreed on. The last time the police intervened, was following a dispute, where when John’s father promised him an X-Box but didn’t bought it. He blamed his mother for it. John took choose another verb his anger at his mother object pronoun and tried to hit her. Fearing for her life, she called the police. John was taken to the police station and released with promises to keep peace choose other words.
John, following the incident, didn’t take any responsibilities for his actions. He thinks that it’s past his mother’s fault and she over exaggerated. His mother thinks that John needs to learn to respect her. Their relationship is tense and they hardly speak to each other. John doesn’t want anything to do with his mother pronoun and wants to go (and) live with his father. (Unfortunately ?) His father lives with his parents and doesn’t have room for him. (In fact, you'll probably have to choose between present and past in the whole paragraph)
For our assessment, we conducted interviews with John and his parents. His mother recognizes that sometime (something's missing), she can be strict and doesn’t gives John space to help him develop his autonomy. John used to have a great bond with his mother but now, they don’t get along. His mother thinks that she smothered him too much and now he needs to develop his own identity.
His father thinks that he contributed to the fact that his son doesn’t get along with his mother. He thinks that sometime he undermines her authority. He recognizes that he needs to help John’s mother to better establish her authority. (you could link the last two sentences)
Our assessment of the situation is that John needs to learn some boundaries and respect his mother’s authority. His mother needs to find a way to set John’s limit while allowing him to develop his own identity. We think that his father needs to set his son more limits and to be more respectful of his mother.
Following our assessment:
We recommend that John attends an anger/violence ? management class
We recommend that a Youth worker be involved with the family in order to help them improve the way they communicate.
We recommend that help and assistance be provided to the family
We recommend one year follow-up by a Youth Protection delegate.
Réponse: John's case/correction de notrepere, postée le 23-01-2013 à 04:03:16 (S | E)
Hello
Brett's correction is very good, but some of his recommendations may be more appropriate in British English. I don't find as many faults with your English as Brett does. You can consult both corrections and see which things you wish to incorporate.
The Director of Youth Protection is involved in John Smith’s family following a report of misconduct and aggressive behaviors. It was reported that his mother feels overwhelmed and needs help. Police officers have been called to John’s house at(1) three occasions. Every time, it was following a dispute between him and his mother.
(1) Another preposition
John is a 16 years old boy(1b) who lives with his mother. His parents divorced when he was 6 and he’s been living with his mother since then. His father lives in another city and they have regular phone contacts. His parents don’t get along and they have frequent disputes about the way they(2) raise their son. His mother thinks that his father is too permissive and his father thinks his mother is too strict. This causes many conflicts between John and his mother because she often refuses something that his father (3) already agreed on. The last time the police intervened, was following a dispute, wherein John’s father promised him an X-Box but didn’t bought
(temps) it. He blamed his mother for it. John took(4) his anger at his mother and tried to hit her. Fearing for her life, she called the police. John was taken to the police station and released with promises to keep peace (5).(1b) A 5-year-old boy; John is 16 years old.
(2) Infinitive is better
(3) The word 'already' is a signal word for the Present Perfect tense in British English. In North American English, we often use the preterite.
(4) The expression I think you're searching for is "to take your anger out on someone"
(5) The expression in North American English is "to keep the peace".
John, following the incident, didn’t take any responsibilities for his actions. He thinks
(past tense) that it’s(same) his mother’s fault and (that) she (5b) over exaggerated. His mother thinks that John needs(temps) to learn to respect her. Their relationship is tense and they hardly speak to each other. John doesn’t want anything to do with his mother and wants to go (and) live with his father. Unfortunately, his father lives with his parents and doesn’t have room for him.(5b) past perfect is best here - you could also say 'over reacted'
For our assessment, we conducted interviews with John and his parents. His mother recognizes that sometimes, she can be strict and doesn’t gives(6) John (verb missing) space to help him develop his autonomy. John used to have a great bond with his mother but now, they don’t get along. His mother thinks that she smothered him too much and now he needs to develop his own identity.
His father thinks that he contributed to the fact that his son doesn’t get along with his mother. He thinks that sometimes he undermines her authority. He recognizes that he needs to help John’s mother to better establish her authority.
(6) After an auxiliary like 'do', the verb doesn't have an 's' even if it's 3rd person singular
Our assessment of the situation is that John needs to learn some boundaries and respect his mother’s authority. His mother needs to find a way to set John’s limit (7) while allowing him to develop his own identity. We think that his father needs to set his son more limits (8) and to be more respectful of his mother.
(7) set limits for John
(8) set more limits for his son
Following our assessment:
We recommend that John attends(9) an anger management class (Anger Management is actually a common expression in N. American English. There was actually a movie called "Anger Management")
(9) Same as before; the subjunctive is appropriate here. If you don't want to use it, you should say: We recommend that John should attend which is the British recommendation to avoid the subjunctive.
We recommend that a Youth worker be
(yes! subjunctive) involved with the family in order to help them improve the way they communicate.We recommend that help and assistance be provided to the family
We recommend a one year follow-up by a Youth Protection delegate.
Your English is very, very good. I would call you "fluent", but there are some basic grammar rules that you need to review or study:
1) Verb conjugations, especially the 3rd person singular
2) Verb tenses, especially present perfect, subjunctive, the "narrative" tenses and when to use them.:
3) Compound words and hyphens: A 5-year-old boy; The boy is 5 years old.
4) Memorize common expressions
5) Phrasal verbs (note that they are often different between North American and British English; most English tests on this site favor British English.)
6) Auxiliaries
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