Correction /dialogue

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Correction /dialogue
Message de calliope92 posté le 03-02-2013 à 15:06:47 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous,

Je dois rédiger un court dialogue entre une mère et sa fille. Cette dernière, très jeune, souhaite se rendre seule à l'école.
Pourriez-vous, s'il vous plait, m'aider à la correction de ce travail. Je rencontre d'ailleurs un souci de traduction avec l'expression "passage piéton", "traverser un passage piéton".
Merci d'avance!

Imagine a conversation between the writer and her six-year old daughter who wants to go to school alone.

Daughter: "Mum, I feel like going to school with Jenny tomorrow, would you?"
Writer: " I don't think it's a good idea. You've never gone to school alone, you're so young and streets are very dangerous!"
Daughter: "Please, Mummy! All my friends go to school without their parents. It's an ideal opportunity to use my new bike!"
Writer: "I'm afraid it won't be possible, but you could take the school bus. It's a good compromise."
Daughter: "No, it isn't. I'm older now and I can go by myself. We've learnt at school the rules of pedestrian crossing, when the light is red, we don't through, we wait until it's green. It's easy, so trust in me!"
Writer: " I can't. The dangerous drivers are more and more numerous in this district"
Daughter: "But we'll be careful! Look, I'm going to Jenny's and whenever on the way we'll have to through, we'll get off our bikes and look from right to left".
Writer: "One day you'll go to school alone, I promise, but first we have to do round trip together (faire le trajet ensemble). And if you listen and apply my advice, you'll be allowed go to school with your friend. Are you agree?
Daughter: "Yes, I am! Thank you Mum!".

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Modifié par lucile83 le 03-02-2013 19:11

Réponse: Correction /dialogue de gerondif, postée le 03-02-2013 à 15:34:30 (S | E)
Bonjour,

Daughter: "Mum, I feel like going to school with Jenny tomorrow, would you?"
(est un début de conditionnel et non pas "veux-tu ?" ou alors, mettez le verbe, "would you let me ?" "would you accept?" // ou alors, "Can I ? May I" ?)
Writer: " I don't think it's a good idea. You've never gone to school alone, you're so young and streets are very dangerous!"
Daughter: "Please, Mummy! All my friends go to school without their parents. It's an ideal opportunity to use my new bike!"
Writer: "I'm afraid it won't be possible, but you could take the school bus. It's a good compromise."
Daughter: "No, it isn't. I'm older now and I can go by myself. We've learnt at school the rules to be respected when we go across a street at a pedestrian crossing, when the light is red, we don't through,(n'est pas un verbe) we wait until it's green. It's easy, so trust in(cod) me!"
Writer: " I can't. The dangerous drivers are more and more numerous in this district" maladroit: There are more and more dangerous drivers in this neighbourhood.
Daughter: "But we'll be careful! Look, I'm going to (choix du temps)Jenny's and whenever on the way we'll have to through, we'll get off our bikes and look from right to left".(pourquoi au futur ? j'ai l'impression que tout cet extrait devrait être au présent d'habitude)
Writer: "One day you'll go to school alone, I promise, but first we have to do round trip (un aller et retour, un billet...)together (faire le trajet ensemble). And if you listen and apply(bizarre) my advice, you'll be allowed go to school with your friend. Are you agree?(erreur classique: au lieu d'apprendre "je suis d'accord", retenez: "je pense comme toi": I agree with you, I don't agree with her, I disagree with her...)
Daughter: "Yes, I am! Thank you Mum!".

Réponse: Correction /dialogue de calliope92, postée le 03-02-2013 à 16:41:28 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup gerondif!

Daughter: "Mum, I feel like going to school with Jenny tomorrow, May I?"
Writer: " I don't think it's a good idea. You've never gone to school alone, you're so young and streets are very dangerous!"
Daughter: "Please, Mummy! Car travel is boring! All my friends go to school without their mother. It's an ideal opportunity to use my new bike!"
Writer: "I'm afraid it won't be possible, but you could take the school bus. It's a good compromise."
Daughter: "No, it isn't. I'm older now and I can go by myself. We've learnt at school the rules of pedestrian crossing, when the light is red, we don't through, we wait until it's green. It's easy, so trust me!"
Writer: " I can't! There are more and more dangerous drivers in this neighbourhood "
Daughter: "But we'll be careful! Look, I go to Jenny's (je ne sais pas quel temps utiliser, pour dire "je vais cher Jenny, c'est une action envisagée/explication) and whenever on the way we have to across, we get off our bikes and look from right to left".
Writer: "One day you'll go to school alone, I promise, but first we have to walk together to and from school. And after you'll be allowed go to school just with your friend. Do you agree with my proposition?
Daughter: "Yes, I am! Thank you Mum!".

Réponse: Correction /dialogue de gerondif, postée le 03-02-2013 à 17:22:40 (S | E)
Bonsoir,

Daughter: "Mum, I feel like going to school with Jenny tomorrow, May I/Will you let me ?"
Writer: " I don't think it's a good idea. You've never gone to school alone, you're so young and streets are very dangerous!"
Daughter: "Please, Mummy! Travelling by car is boring! All my friends go to school without their mothers. It's an ideal opportunity to use my new bike!"
Writer: "I'm afraid it won't be possible(correct mais trop français), but you could take the school bus. It's a good compromise."
Daughter: "No, it isn't. I'm older now and I can go by myself. We've learnt at school the rules of pedestrian crossing, when the light is red, we don't through(erreur, through = à travers, ce n'est pas un verbe), we wait until it's green. It's easy, so trust me!"
Writer: " I can't! There are more and more dangerous drivers in this neighbourhood "
Daughter: "But we'll be careful! Look, when I go to Jenny's ,whenever we have to cross a street on the way , we always get off our bikes and look from right to left".// Si l'action se fait dans les minutes qui suivent, alors oui: Look, Mum, I'm cycling to Jenny's in a minute and whenever I have to cross, I always look from right ro left before crossing)
Writer: "One day you'll go to school alone, I promise, but first we have to walk together to and from school. And after that,(jamais after tout seul) you'll be allowed go to school just with your friend. Do you agree with my proposition?
Daughter: "Yes, I am(piège!!)! Thank you Mum!".

Réponse: Correction /dialogue de calliope92, postée le 03-02-2013 à 17:46:23 (S | E)
Un grand merci gerondif, j'ai corrigé les erreurs

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