English writing/perte de bagages

English writing/perte de bagages
Message de camay76 posté le 26-04-2013 à 12:03:03 (S | E | F)
Hello,

I have to do a writing / essai in English. The subject is :
You travelled with the Airline Qantas last week and your suitcase was lost. The company has still given you nothing as information about your suitcase.
Write an email to Qantas and explain what happened. Find out what they are going to do. You are very upset but remain polite.
Below is my essai. Please, could you correct my possible mistakes?
Thanks in advance

"To whom it may concern,

I’m writing to you about a problem I have been when I travelled from Sydney to Adelaide by your airline: Qantas.

In fact, I had to go to Adelaide by plane and I chose your company because it was cheaper. Moreover, I heard that it’s a really good company and one of the best to travel across this continent.

I was faced with a very awkward problem. Indeed when I arrived at the Adelaide airport, after the flight, I wanted to pick up my luggage. However, I waited for an eternity but my suitcase never arrived. I asked your colleagues at the reception to try to find it but they didn’t know where it could be. So I left the airport to go to my meeting without my suitcase while I really needed it to work.

My suitcase is composed of my computer with very sensitive data. That’s why I ask you to get back my suitcase and to send it to me as fast as possible. My suitcase is totally black with a label which contains my fist name, last name, the name of my company and my telephone number.

If I have not my computer in one month, I will have to engage a procedure against you. I don’t really want to do this but I hope you understand that I can’t wait again. Furthermore I have to know because if my suitcase falls into bad hands it could be very serious for my own company and for my career.

Please contact me as fast as possible.

I hope to read from you soon.

Regards"

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Modifié par lucile83 le 26-04-2013 12:05

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Réponse: English writing/perte de bagages de lucile83, postée le 27-04-2013 à 09:59:51 (S | E)
Hello,
Here are a few mistakes in blue. I didn't correct everything.
I wish someone else goes on with the correction.

"To whom it may concern,

I’m writing to you about a problem I have been when I travelled from Sydney to Adelaide by your airline: Qantas.

In fact, I had to go to Adelaide by plane and I chose your company because it was cheaper. Moreover, I heard that it’s a really good company and one of the best to travel across this continent.

I was faced with a very awkward problem. Indeed when I arrived at the Adelaide airport, after the flight, I wanted to pick up my luggage. However, I waited for an eternity but my suitcase never arrived. I asked your colleagues at the reception to try to find it but they didn’t know where it could be. So I left the airport to go to my meeting without my suitcase while I really needed it to work.

My suitcase is composed of my computer with very sensitive data. That’s why I ask you to get back my suitcase and to send it to me as fast as possible. My suitcase is totally black with a label which contains my fist name, last name, the name of my company and my telephone number.

If I have not my computer in one month, I will have to engage a procedure against you. I don’t really want to do this but I hope you understand that I can’t wait again. Furthermore I have to know ? because if my suitcase falls into bad hands it could be very serious for my own company and for my career.

Please contact me as fast as possible.

I hope to read from you soon.

Regards"

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Réponse: English writing/perte de bagages de bluestar, postée le 27-04-2013 à 13:12:02 (S | E)
Bonjour..

I’m writing to you about a problem I have been (temps?) when I travelled from Sydney to Adelaide by with your airline: Qantas.(superflu)

In fact, I had to go to Adelaide by plane ('fly' serait mieux) and I chose your company because it was cheaper. Moreover, I heard that it’s a really good company and one of the best to travel with across this continent.

I was faced with a very awkward problem. Indeed Wwhen I arrived at the Adelaide airport, after the flight, (superflu) I wanted to pick up my luggage. However, I waited for an eternity but my suitcase never arrived. I asked your colleagues at the reception to try to find it but they didn’t know where it could be. So I left the airport to go to my meeting without my suitcase while (mauvais pronom relatif) I really needed it to for work.

My suitcase is composed (consists) of my computer with very sensitive data. That’s why I ask you to get back my suitcase (ordre de mots)and to send it to me as fast (adverbe) as possible. My suitcase is totally black with a label which contains (bears) my fist name, my last name,my name, the name of my company and my telephone number.

If I have not (mot manquant) my computer in one month, I will have to engage a procedure against you. I don’t really want to do this but I hope you understand that I can’t wait again. Furthermore I have to know because if my suitcase falls into bad hands it could be very serious for my own company and for my career.

Please contact me as fast (adverbe) as possible.

I hope to read (un autre verbe) from you soon

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Modifié par bluestar le 27-04-2013 13:15

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Réponse: English writing/perte de bagages de camay76, postée le 28-04-2013 à 14:27:27 (S | E)
Here is my text with the correction.

1) I don't know by which pronom I have to replace "while". I tried to replace it by "when" but I'm not sure. I want to say "alors que j'en avais besoin pour travailler".
I don't understand why using "for work" rather than "to work" in the same sentence.

2) Is it better to replace totally by entirely in this context?

3) Why did you write "mot manquant"? I think there is no lack of word in this sentence

4) Is it wrong to conclude by "I hope to read from you soon"? Better if I say "to hear"?

Thanks a lot for these first corrections

To whom it may concern,

I’m writing to you about a problem I had when I travelled from Sydney to Adelaide with your airline: Qantas.

I had to go to Adelaide by plane and I chose your company because it was cheaper. Moreover, I heard that it’s a really good company and one of the best to travel with across this continent.

I was faced with a very awkward problem. When I arrived at Adelaide airport, I wanted to pick up my luggage. However, I waited for a long time but my suitcase never arrived. I asked your colleagues at the reception to try to find it but they didn’t know where it could be. So I left the airport to go to my meeting without my suitcase when I really needed for work.

My suitcase consists of my computer with very sensitive data. That’s why I ask you to get my suitcase back and to send it to me as soon as possible. My suitcase is entirely black with a label which contains my name, the name of my company and my telephone number.

If I have not my computer in one month, I will have to engage a procedure against you. I don’t really want to do this but I hope you understand that I can’t wait again. Furthermore I have to know because if my suitcase falls into bad hands it could be very serious for my company and for my career.

Please contact me as soon as possible.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Regards

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Réponse: English writing/perte de bagages de bluestar, postée le 28-04-2013 à 14:43:59 (S | E)
Bonjour...

"I travelled with your airline, Quantas"....There is no need to tell them what their airline is called.

"..my suitcase which I really needed for work"

If the suitcase is black, just call it black. There is no need to add "completely" or "entirely"..

"if I have not received my computer in one month"

A label doesn't "contain" names, it 'shows' them, or 'bears' them. "Contain" means there is something inside, for example, my suitcase contains my clothes.

"I hope to hear from you soon" - is how an English speaker would say this..

"Engage a procedure against you"...Better to say: "start legal proceedings against you"..

In practice missing luggage usually turns up in a day or two, but this, I suppose, is 'hors de sujet' here....

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Réponse: English writing/perte de bagages de camay76, postée le 28-04-2013 à 18:10:26 (S | E)
Thanks a lot for all your corrections and your advice.

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