Aide/Lettre de Motivation

Aide/Lettre de Motivation
Message de netflix14 posté le 09-10-2014 à 21:09:34 (S | E | F)
Hello !

C'est la première fois que je poste sur ce magnifique site (je l'utilisais en tant que non membre depuis toujours). Etant en 1ere, on m'a proposé de faire un voyage en Californie, mais la sélection est dure et nécessite de faire une lettre de motivation... J'ai décidé d'essayer tout de même comme ça ne me coûte rien mais j'ai l'impression de faire des fautes énormes d'orthographe/grammaire.
Cela donne donc :
I only did two journey overseas organized by my college. The first was to England (in year 8) at London and the second to the Spain at Barcelona (in year 10). Like lot of young people, I always dream to traveling in the United States because it represent for me the country of the cinema, the football (not the « French football »), the high technology also the fast food and the Coca.
Travelling in California is synonym for me of sun, heat, beaches and skyscraper. I would like to know the place where my maternal grandfather lived. It would allow to discover californian's life and californian's culture. I am not bilingual but i really want to progress in English so I think that participate in Moreno High School would be probably beneficial. The [trade/exchange?] would be an first experience very interesting and formative and woud learn how live and comunicate in a foreign family.
My family and me would be very enthousiastic to receive californian's student. We would can also show how is the France and visiting for him very famous monument like the Mont-Saint Michel or landing beaches.

J'espère que vous m'aiderez, j'ai pas mal travaillé (même si je pense que certaines fautes pourraient être impardonnables), je fais aussi cette lettre pour m'entraîner personnellement comme c'est la première fois que je dois rédiger une lettre de motivation.

Merci d'avance !

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Modifié par lucile83 le 10-10-2014 18:50

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Réponse: Aide/Lettre de Motivation de tdu6300, postée le 10-10-2014 à 14:42:35 (S | E)
Hello
In blue = incorrect
In green = my propositions
X or XXX = missing word or punctuation

I only did two journey (Plural) overseasX (Punctuation comma) organized by my college. The first XXX was to Lien internet
England (in year 8) (What do you mean? Is it your age or the school year?) at Lien internet
London and the second to Lien internet
the (See lessons on articles and/or on countries) Spain at Lien internet
Barcelona (in year 10). Like lot of Lien internet
young people, I always (Always = toujours; it could be better to try "souvent") dream to Lien internet
traveling in Lien internet
the United States because it represent (Conjugation: Third person) for me (Construction; You must place “for me” elsewhere in your sentence) the country of the (See lessons on articles) cinema, the (See lessons on articles) football (not the « French football »), the (See lessons on articles) high technology XXX also the (See lessons on articles) fast food and the (See lessons on articles) Coca.
Travelling in California is synonym for me (Construction; You must place “for me” elsewhere in your sentence) of sun, heat, beaches and skyscraper. (Plural) I would like to know the place where my maternal grandfather lived. It would allow XXX (allow who?) to discover californian's life and californian's culture.(It seems correct to me, but you have to know that what you're saying is "la vie des californiens et la culture des californiens" et non "la vie et la culture en ou de Californie" ni "la vie et la culture Californienne") I am not bilingual but i (Capital letter) really want to progress in English so I think that participate in (to integrate? and don't forget to conjugate it correctly) Moreno High School would be probably (Construction) beneficial. The [trade/exchange?] (exchange is better) would be an (See lessons on articles) first experience very interesting and formative (Construction)and woud (Spelling) learn Lien internet
how XXX live and comunicate (Spelling) in a foreign family.
My family and me Lien internet
would be very enthousiastic to receive californian's student (Genitive case does not apply here). We would can (Do you mean "pourrions"? In any way it is incorrect) also show how is the France (Incorrect) and visiting (Conjugation) for him (For him? Do you mean in his place?)(And there is also a construction problem. It should be placed elsewhere in the sentence) very famous monument (Plural) like the Mont-Saint Michel or XXX landing beaches.

Despite all the colors, there are very few mistakes because htey are often of the same type.
I may not have seen all the mistakes and I may have some doubts about a few points.
You did a good work. Carry on.
I hope this will help you.
Best regards

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Réponse: Aide/Lettre de Motivation de here4u, postée le 10-10-2014 à 19:21:09 (S | E)
Hello and Hello tdu63000 !

Yes ! Great job ! You've corrected a lot of mistakes ... as TD says you're making mostly mistakes regarding the word order and the tenses (and modals )
I'd only also advise you to be careful that in English, 'College' is a form of University, and that the levels of studies are identified in different ways ! Besides, like td, I didn't like what you wrote about California and 'a Californian' ... I suppose you meant 'all the inhabitants of California', in the plural !
Good luck !

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