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Message de stroke599 posté le 23-10-2016 à 10:43:35 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Je dois écrire un pitch sur la mise en valeur de mon expérience professionnelle et sur le futur dans ma carrière professionnelle, j'ai fait un pitch et j'aimerais avoir des retours sur ce que j'ai écrit ,par contre je trouve qu'il n'y pas assez de phrases car cela doit durer 2-3 minutes.
Merci pour vos réponses.
Hi, I'm X , and I am in the final year of X the telecommunications department and computer networks.And it seems that you are looking for interns who just familiar with the environment of telecommunications in the cyber-security is not it?
Perfect, precisely because, I know your company and your products because we studied the same concept this year in your school with Mr. X, our teacher in the security.
You know, I have good security bases, and the Regulations, which is continually evolving, is one which really interests me. And I wish to develop my knowledge on this subject.
I'm sure we could find a subject interesting internship together. For example on pentest of the intrusion in the computer or the network computer in the enterprise, in your Compliance service. This is a subject that passionnerait me! What do you think ?
I am available from 1 February. And a 5 month internship allow us, at one and the other, deepen it.
If you are interested, I have some ideas for our next interview, what do you think?
Good good. Then I leave you my CV, you have my address, and I'd love that we can talk again.
Thank you for those few minutes, and I hope to see you soon!
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 23-10-2016 12:33
Message de stroke599 posté le 23-10-2016 à 10:43:35 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Je dois écrire un pitch sur la mise en valeur de mon expérience professionnelle et sur le futur dans ma carrière professionnelle, j'ai fait un pitch et j'aimerais avoir des retours sur ce que j'ai écrit ,par contre je trouve qu'il n'y pas assez de phrases car cela doit durer 2-3 minutes.
Merci pour vos réponses.
Hi, I'm X , and I am in the final year of X the telecommunications department and computer networks.And it seems that you are looking for interns who just familiar with the environment of telecommunications in the cyber-security is not it?
Perfect, precisely because, I know your company and your products because we studied the same concept this year in your school with Mr. X, our teacher in the security.
You know, I have good security bases, and the Regulations, which is continually evolving, is one which really interests me. And I wish to develop my knowledge on this subject.
I'm sure we could find a subject interesting internship together. For example on pentest of the intrusion in the computer or the network computer in the enterprise, in your Compliance service. This is a subject that passionnerait me! What do you think ?
I am available from 1 February. And a 5 month internship allow us, at one and the other, deepen it.
If you are interested, I have some ideas for our next interview, what do you think?
Good good. Then I leave you my CV, you have my address, and I'd love that we can talk again.
Thank you for those few minutes, and I hope to see you soon!
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 23-10-2016 12:33
Réponse : Elevator pitch/aide de gerondif, postée le 24-10-2016 à 19:11:31 (S | E)
Bonjour,
Votre texte fait "français traduit" et les expressions, les phrases sans verbe, l'humour d'auto-dérision passent parfois mal.
erreurs en bleu, corrections en vert
Hi, I'm X , and I am in the final year of X the telecommunications department and computer networks.And it seems that (me parait un peu familier si vous parlez à des dirigeants ou à des futurs employeurs) you are looking for interns who are just familiar with the environment of telecommunications in
(mauvais se structure, mauvaise personne, ce n'est ce pas s'accroche sur un "you" pas sur un "it")
Perfect, precisely because, I know your company and your products because we studied the same concept this year in your(dans notre école ou dans votre école??) school with Mr. X, our teacher in the security.
You know, I have good security bases, and the Regulations,(virgule inutile) which is( ben oui mais régulations est pluriel) continually evolving, is(ce verbe a quoi comme sujet? Base, regulation?) one which really interests me. And I wish to develop my knowledge on this subject.
I'm sure we could find a subject interesting(à mettre avant subject) internship together. For example on pentest (je ne connais pas ce mot) of the intrusion in the computer (ça sonne faux au singulier)or the network computer in the enterprise,(ça sonne français, ce "dans l'entreprise) in your Compliance service. This is a subject that passionnerait(ah du français, vous avez fait ça au traducteur?) me! What do you think ?
I am available from 1 February. And a 5 month internship allow(troisième personne du présent, il manque un s. Un futur irait mieux de toutes façons) us, at one and the other, ** (mauvaise construction. Ce verbe me surprend un peu, approfondir un stage?)deepen it.
If you are interested, I have some ideas for our next interview, what do you think ? (Je ne suis pas du tout dans le monde de l'entreprise mais ce what do you think m'horripilerait si on me le balançait deux fois de suite comme ça, mais je ne suis peut-être pas habitué à cette auto-promotion)
Good good. Then I leave you my CV, you have my address, and I'd love that(construction incorrecte, il faut une structure infinitive comme I would like us to have another meeting ou alors I would like for us to meet again, ou I'd love to have another conversation with you) we can talk again.
Thank you for those few minutes, and I hope to see you soon!
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